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Vitally Important Considerations: Syracuse-Johns Hopkins

Breaking down Orange-Jays through vitally important considerations.


Syracuse and Johns Hopkins will meet for the 52nd time in each program's storied history tomorrow at Homewood Field. What the rivalry lacks in aged tradition it more than makes up for with high-powered rocket fuel:

  • The Orange and Jays are the two winningest programs in Division I lacrosse history (Syracuse is 849-236-16, good for a 72.0 winning percentage; Hopkins is 938-303-15, good for a 75.3 winning percentage). These are the only two Division I programs with more than 800 wins.
  • The Orange and Jays have combined to win 20 -- !!!! -- of the 43 NCAA titles awarded since 1971. (Syracuse has an NCAA-record 11 championship while Hopkins has nine).
  • Syracuse has made 27 Championship Weekend appearances; Johns Hopkins claims to have invented lacrosse.

All of that, though, is boring. That is the protein that sports information directors need to ingest in order to survive. What isn't boring are vitally important considerations that will ultimately dictate the outcome of the Syracuse-Hopkins game this weekend. As a certified brainiac with a B.A. in Genius from the University of Intelligence, I am uniquely qualified to identify these determining considerations. This is important stuff, people.

Here are nine factors that will unequivocally influence the outcome of the game:

Will have a band in attendance? No. Yes. Nobody. Have you heard Hopkins' band? It sounds like what happens when domesticated animals are pushed -- living and breathing -- through a sausage maker.
Head coaches' last name sounds like a kind of salad dressing? Not really (Desko). Straight from the Mediterranean (Pietramala). Hopkins.
Pooping face is a pooping face? Dominating. Disbelief. Desko. Own the bowl.
Number of Canadians on the roster? Two. Two. Neither. U-S-A! U-S-A! These colors don't run! Deep fried everything forever!
School counts an actor in adult movies as an alum? Yes. Probably not (I'm not counting Mike Bloomberg as a whore). Society.
Mascot is an actual thing that exists? Yes, if Syracuse employs sociopathic genetic engineering researchers. No, birds don't have teeth, dummy. Tie. Neither is the Providence Friar and his soulless eyes.
Isn't Wagner? Yes. Yes. Neither an advantage or disadvantage.
Local calling card? Salt potatoes eaten in the shadow of rusted industry. Crabs eaten in the shadow of rusted industry. Syracuse, assuming you put Old Bay on salt potatoes.
Fans have unreasonable expectations and expect nothing less than a national championship earned on the moon played at Lacrosse Base X865 against not only terrestrial opponents but also nondescript foreign beings that use their minds to score goals instead of lacrosse sticks? Duh. No doink. Sociologists.

The tale of the vitally-important-considerations tape doesn't lie: Syracuse wins 2-1.