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Michigan's Offensive Plan Against Johns Hopkins

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How will the Wolverines try and score against the Jays?

Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

I floated a question on Twitter yesterday: Which of this upcoming weekend's games were people most excited for? (You don't follow College Crosse on Twitter? Are you nuts! You're missing so many important things, like my thoughts on fruit salad and how Reese's Pieces should be pronounced and the coming robot apocalypse. Give the account a follow, boss: @SexyTimeLax.) There were some solid responses -- Providence-Vermont was my favorite, only because it made me consider the possibility of maple syrup-covered quahogs -- but this one from Michigan offensive coordinator Ryan Danehy opened the Ark of the Covenant:

What could possibly be in Danehy's game plan for Hopkins? We'll never know for certain, but as a recipient of a B.A. in Genius from the University of Intelligence, I do have a few thoughts about what's included in Danehy's plan:

  • The game plan is just two pages long: The cover page (pictured) and a page with the lyrics to Sade's Your Love is King:
      This is no
      Blind faith
      This is no
      Sad or sorry dream
      This is no
      Blind faith
    Don't underestimate the power of slow jams to get the job done against the Jays' defense.
  • Forty pages of pictures of smoked brisket. Each picture is captioned with "Organic, barely-legal, grass-fed deliciousness. So hot." There was a mix-up at Kinko's between Danehy's game plan and some guy that was putting out his weekly food porn publication.
  • Bounties on various players' heads, not unlike Reggie Dunlop's approach to success in Slap Shot. I never said this was a good or legal offensive game plan, just that it was a game plan. Look: It's not my problem that Michigan may or may not be incubating a 40-man roster of Hanson Brothers that score garbage goals after maiming the opposition. It's just my professional opinion -- as a certified brainiac -- that Michigan's offensive game plan possibly includes rewards for turning specific Hopkins players into piles of bloody flesh and broken bones. Maybe.
  • Milk
    Eggs
    Toilet Paper
    Boar's Head Turkey
    Bread
    Dish Liquid
    Milk
    Trash Bags
    Chicken Breast
    Potatoes
    Couple Cans of Soup
    Yup, Danehy published his grocery shopping list again.