The Monmouth Hawks -- given the university's athletics logo, though, I'm inclined to call them "Team Angry Birds" -- will start their Division I adventure this spring. Formerly destined for Northeast Conference play, the Hawks bamboozled their old league before even stepping on the field, following Quinnipiac to the MAAC for what I can only assume will be double coupon savings.
Before strapping on their helmets, however, Monmouth took four-plus minutes to welcome the population of Earth to the Hawks' lacrosse program, a shining example of propaganda that emboldens one soul. Let's break the video down.
0:01: "Hawk Vision." So, basically, Monmouth is just an institution that sells those cheap sunglasses that I see on infomercials on Saturday mornings? I'm not sure that exactly fits into the NCAA's amateurism model.
0:10: It looks like Brian Fisher is being forced to make a hostage video. "Look directly into the camera. Don't blink; if you're sending a message through blinking we will kill your children. Tell them how much fun you're having at Monmouth and that everyone is fine. Don't look to the side! Just stare straight ahead! Yes, you were thrilled to welcome your first class. Very good. Promise that the infidels at Manhattan will be slain for their affronts to Monmouth's sovereignty. Yes, very good."
0:30: I did not see any t-shirts tucked into shorts. Monmouth is already off on the right foot.
1:03: That's a championship-caliber floor register to the right. You just don't see floor registers like that at Syracuse or Virginia.
1:14: People still ride scooters? Like, on purpose? And trash doesn't magically materialize out of thin air so that people can throw it at grown adults that purposely ride scooters? That's shocking.
1:20: This team meeting is apparently happening in the boiler room. Meet James, your new janitor/painter/goaltending coach.
1:38: And now you're stuck carrying your scooter. So, your ridiculous-looking-convenience now gave you a chore. It's time to smelt that thing down and make something useful: Like a block-of-metal-with-no-particular-usefulness-other-than-the-fact-that-it-isn't-a-scooter.
2:45: All these freshmen . . . where's the part of the video where they get swirlies and wedgies?
2:59: Hunter Rainis is Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
3:17: Holy crap, Reed Zak is going to grow up to be Art Garfunkel.
4:04: Or is Ryan Stevens going to be Garfunkel? Monmouth is officially the most Garfunkel team in Division I lacrosse.