I like dopey odd stuff. In fact, I'm kind of obsessed with completely useless feats of human achievement. It's the stuff that makes the American experience manageable, the true aspect of freedom and liberty. I thought that John Danowski was operating on my level of oddity-love, but after the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, I'm not so sure that Dino and I are kindred this-is-dumb-enough-to-be-amazing spirits:
Love all types of athletic competition but I struggled watching 7x Champ Joey Chestnut down 69 dogs/buns in 10 mins!— John Danowski (@John_Danowski) July 4, 2013
Did Danowski struggle with reconciling the fact that Chestnut ate 26,816 calories in 10 minutes? Was it simply the volume -- 69 dogs -- that made Dino's stomach turn? Was it jealous rage manifesting itself as bodily disgust? We'll never know. What I do know, though, is this: Watching a guy eat almost 70 hot dogs in 10 minutes is nothing compared to what I've seen in the past, man.
Like I mentioned -- I'm a grown-ass man that likes weird stuff. I've been to eating competitions before (although, I've never taken the trip to Coney Island to watch people shove dozens of hot dogs down their throat without visibly vomiting). Watching people eat pounds of clams in under 10 minutes -- knowing the disaster that will surely follow the next day when all of that will make its unceremonious exit -- can make a man wonder what he's doing with his life. That got me thinking: If Dino didn't like watching Chestnut's hot dog world record but watched the whole thing, what world records in competitive eating would have made Danowski turn away and curse his eyeballs for even glimpsing the mastication?
I pulled up Major League Eating's record book and picked out a few that would surely make Danowski throw his remote control because they even made me question where our society is headed:
- Five-and-a-half pounds of birthday cake in just under nine minutes. If there was anything that could give you instant diabetes, it's that.
- Two gallons Ben's Chili Bowl Beef Chili in six minutes. But the scars of doing it last a lifetime.
- 11.81 pounds of burritos in 10 minutes. That's . . . that's probably how humans will discover that no matter the means or dedication, one cannot propel oneself into ballistic flight with a toilet seat as the launch pad.
- 57 cow brains (17.7 pounds) in 15 minutes. Because reasons.
- Three pounds of haggis in eight minutes. I don't even know what any of that means.
- Four 32-ounce bowls of mayonnaise in eight minutes. I hope a free death certificate comes with the winner's trophy.
- Seven-and-a-half Pizza Hut P'Zones in 10 minutes. Nothing is natural in the food but the loss of dignity is all too real.
- Six pounds of SPAM in 12 minutes. It's like you're trying to do an embalmer's job for them.