clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

The Best Laid Plans: Attempting to Stop Bryant's Kevin Massa

New, 1 comment

There was a plan, it changed, and everything became an option.

THE BEST LAID PLANS

PREGAME: [to Syracuse's faceoff specialists] "Alright, boys. Tonight's the night. We're ready for Massa. You've watched the tape; you're ready. Hell, he built up that faceoff percentage against the NEC. The NEC! That sounds like a damn conference that sponsors Scrabble tournaments! You guys got this. No problem. It'll just be like how we practiced all week. Here we go!"

FACEOFF I: [to nobody in particular] "Not a problem. Just jitters. [shouting at Chris Daddio] Daddio! Daddio! Stay patient! You got this! [to nobody in particular] No problem. We got this."

FACEOFF II: [to nobody in particular] "Alright, this one's ours! We got this! Get tough! [to Daddio] HE'S KICKING THE BALL! PICK IT UP! YOU'RE LOSING THIS TO A KICKYBALL GUY! [to nobody in particular] Not a problem. Just a violation. We still got this. We were right there. Next time we know about kickyball. [to graduate assistant] WRITE DOWN KICKYBALL! WE'LL NEED THAT FOR HALFTIME!"

FACEOFF III: [to Daddio] "You got 'em this time, baby! Third time's a charm! WE GOT THIS ONE! WE GOT THIS ONE! GOOD POP! [to nobody in particular] YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! WE PLAYED KICKYBALL THAT TIME AND LOST IT! SONOFA!"

FACEOFF IV: [to Daddio] "JUST LIKE WE DREW IT UP! I KNEW IT! [to nobody in particular] We got this. All hype. Wait, what! Why didn't we pick that up! I should've stayed in the insurance business."

FACEOFF V: [to Matt Harris] "Help us, Harris. You're our only hope! [to nobody in particular] The force is strong with that one."

FACEOFF VI: [to Harris] "Just like the last one, but better. [to nobody in particular] We got this! [to Harris] I SAID BETTER, NOT 'GET BABOOZLED!' [to nobody in particular] Where's the bleach that I set aside to pour in my eyes? Keep it at the ready."

FACEOFF VII: [to Harris] "Alright, this is your moment. Here's what I want you to do: Slyly poison Massa before the faceoff. Here's the syringe. Just pretend that you're going to pat him on the back -- real friendly-like -- and stick him quick. I've done it a thousand times. You got this. [to nobody in particular] SONOFA! WHY CAN'T WE POISON PEOPLE LIKE INSTRUCTED?!"

FACEOFF VIII: [to nobody in particular] "We're due! There's no way he's going seven of eight right now! We watched film! Alright, not a problem. We'll get 'em in the second quarter."

FACEOFF IX: [to Cal Paduda] "Alright, your turn, buddy. Just like we talked about -- brass knuckles on the outside of your gloves (painted to look like your gloves), right in Massa's grill. Don't worry about getting in trouble; I know a great lawyer. [to nobody in particular] Well, Custer had a plan, too."

FACEOFF X: [to Daddio] "You're the hero Syracuse deserves, but not the one it needs right now. Or something. Have you seen 'The Dark Knight'? Great flick. [to nobody in particular] Maybe we should watch more movies rather than lacrosse films. Motivation, motivation, motivation. [to graduate assistant] Do we have 'The Dark Knight' in the film library?"

FACEOFF XI: [to nobody in particular] "I WILL GIVE THE NEXT GUY TO WIN A FACEOFF 100,000 AMERICAN DOLLARS IF THEY WIN A FACEOFF. NOT PESOS. AMERICAN. DOLLARS."

FACEOFF XII: [to nobody in particular] "murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder, murder. . . ."

FACEOFF XIII: [to Harris] "Here's what you need to do: Take this can of gasoline, these matches, and light Massa on fire. This isn't a metaphor -- I'm being literal. Light Massa on fire. I'll distract the official, you get down to the business of engulfing him in flames and preparing for a long, headline-earning trial of the century."

FACEOFF XIV: [to nobody in particular] "There is nothing but darkness. A bleak, unyielding void. The abyss is neither comforting nor enthralling. I am the walrus. Goo-goo, gah-chu."

FACEOFF XV: [to nobody in particular] "We got this one! We got this one! We got this one! Where's that syringe with the poison? Stick it in my arm to end this."

FACEOFF XVI: [to Daddio] "Alright, new plan: When you go out there, I want you to take this shiv -- don't ask me how I got this; I've done some things I'm not proud of and I served my time -- and get him right in the kidney. You do that and I have a bag of prison wine with your name on it."

FACEOFFS XVII: [to the official] "MASSA IS A CYBORG! THAT'S ILLEGAL! CALL IT! YOU CAN'T PLAY WITH CYBORGS! THAT'S ILLEGAL!"

FACEOFF XVIII: [to nobody in particular] "The last time I saw this much domination it cost me $200 and I forgot the safety word. That was the weirdest ensuing hospital visit I ever had to make."

FACEOFF XIX: [to nobody in particular] "WELP!"

FACEOFF XX: [to nobody in particular] "What I would give for someone to pull the fire alarm right now."

FACEOFF XXI: [muttering to himself] "I'm going to take Massa deer hunting next fall and we're going to have an 'accident.' The perfect plan."

FACEOFF XXII: [to nobody in particular] "EVERYBODY IS FIRED FOREVER!"