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North Carolina Receives a Special Package

What's in the box?


Packages are fun! Sometimes good things come in them (like when Amazon delivers a box filled with Kurt Vonnegut books); sometimes bad things come in them (like when Amazon accidentally delivers a box filled with Kurt Vonnegut's decaying fingers (they really do sell everything)). North Carolina recently received a package from the ACC -- were there good things in it?

Yes, that's a good package. The Tar Heels earned the contents of the box this season, taking home a share of the league's regular season crown, the conference's "tournament" championship, and the conference's player of the year, offensive player of the year, and coach of the year honors. It was a good season for Carolina after a 2012 that often coughed up blood.

But that's not important. What's important is what could have made the package better or worse. I mean, it's a package; the speculation as to what's in the package before it's opened is the best aspect about receiving a package. Some thoughts:

    • 40 pounds of cheese formed in the shape of the heads of Marcus Holman and Joe Breschi, the program's two individual ACC honorees this season.
    • A slingshot able to cover a 10-mile distance in order to huck various lovable items of rivalry -- bricks, car batteries, the head of Duke's mascot -- at Durham and Duke's campus.
    • A clock rendered in the shape of Duke's national championship trophy that, every hour on the hour, rings with a squealing "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!! [breath] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
    • 40 pounds of cheese formed in the shape of Ramses' head, North Carolina's mascot, with an axe through the top of the bust. Accompanied, of course, with a note: "You didn't take our first ransom note seriously. The ram is dead. We did not know there was a human inside. He's dead, too. He died like this. We had a lot of cheese lying around and needed something to do with it. Send us, immediately, 100,000,000 million American -- do you know how hard it is to exchange Zimbabwean dollars?! useless! why would you ever send that to us in the first place! -- dollars immediately. Or else. Or something. I've already said too much. You're not writing this on the note are you? Stop transcribing this. They're not going to take us seriously. Stop writing and go boil some more mascot suit-human stew."