Reverse Survivor: VMI and Michigan Keep on Truckin'

The road can be a lonely place. It's just you, your rig, and a CB radio that never stops chattering about smokies and "come on back' and "you know you can't take Coors east of Texas, that's bootleggin'!" The road is an even lonelier place when the destination is Reverse Survivorville, a rickety old town with storefronts that sell beepers and a mayor that spends his days feeding the pigeons on a bench outside of City Hall because property tax hearings are "hard and icky." Despite all this, though, the road must be traveled, truckin' must continue, and the haul needs to be delivered.

This is the plight of Michigan and VMI, Division I's last two teams without a win against another Division I opponent. It's possible that both the Wolverines and Keydets will pull into town at the same time -- if you're going to be miserable in an awful place, you may as well share that misery and pass the time with dueling tales of woe -- but that's not important right now. What's important is: (1) What kind of rig are these teams driving? and (2) What are these teams haulin'?

VMI (0-11)

RIG: The Flintstones car. You know, the one that requires the driver to run really fast -- while sitting down -- in bare feet to make the car move. It seems like a really poor vehicle to transport a large quantity of goods, but apparently nobody was smart enough to hook one of these floorless and human-powered vehicles up to a dinosaur so that the animal could pull the damn thing. I mean, they used dinosaurs as cranes and earth mover-type things; why wasn't anybody smart enough to hook one of the pseudo-cars up o a powerful dinosaur? I don't get it. Anyway, VMI is driving that.

HAUL: Dinosaur manure from a dinosaur that refused to pull VMI's Flintstones car. This is the intersection of irony, tragedy, and anachronisms, people. We're through the looking glass.

MICHIGAN (0-12)

RIG: It's unclear at this point. There definitely was a vehicle, but the transport was melted into functional nothingness due to a freak lava accident that is baffling local authorities.

HAUL: Lava.