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Army Invades Miami, Liberates It From Florida

They were hailed as conquering heroes by the locals despite being called infidels by Florida government officials.

The Black Knights were in Miami this past weekend for the Something or Other Classic (estimated name), squaring off against Michigan at Sun Life Stadium. Army put a first-class beating on the Wolverines, demolishing Michigan to the tune of a 12-1 win. Garrett Thul -- a tank of a human with a lacrosse stick almost as dangerous as a cannon -- finished the day with seven goals. He did not have a plan for Michigan reconstruction following his ground campaign.

The Black Knights toted a camera along with them on the trip, the video up there being proof that the trip happened and Hollywood didn't manufacture the Army win on a soundstage like they did the moon landing. Let's break the footage down.

0:04: "Five . . . four . . . three . . . " Son-of-a! This video is going to explode!

0:11: Phew! It was just a bad joke. All clear, everybody!

0:15: "I'm Evan Danahy." Really? I can't tell. This is like one of those 20/20 interviews where they shroud the interviewee in darkness so that they can spill their guts with impunity. Army secrets!

0:35: Blair Witch Miami. Do our future servicemen have access to a Steadicam? I've seen those awesome videos on CNN where they follow a missile through some guy’s chimney. It's crystal clear. West Point needs some of that technology.

0:52: "Grand Theft Auto is a good representation of what Miami looks like." Dammit. I wish I came up with that.

1:46: "How was breakfast?" "It was pretty good, but they had the fake Fruit Loops from Wal-Mart." Yeah, well, if you'd eaten an entire bison -- like a real man -- in the morning like me, you wouldn't have that problem. Ain't no such thing as a generic brand of American buffalo, college boy.

1:54: [gawking at Sun Life Stadium] "WOW!" These guys are going to be entering the finest and most technologically-advanced military on Earth, and they're amazed that Miami taxpayers paid for a football stadium. 'Merica rules!

3:35: I'm just realizing that everyone in this video could snap me in half like a toothpick, including the older gentleman in the background taking pictures like a tourist that has never left Cayuga Falls. These jokes better be funny or I'm toast.

3:43: "Scotty: If you had to guess, what do you think we're having for dinner?" "I don't know." Scotty is majoring in Horrible Vaudeville Gone Awry at West Point, obviously. You must be a blast at parties, Scotty.

3:57: "Sam: Are you excited?" Sam's response, without a hint of emotion in his face and looking as if he's doing long division in his skull, "Yeah." I'm telling you, half of this team is majoring in Horrible Vaudeville Gone Awry. "Hey there, Mis-tah Green. I hear that you owe me 10 dollahs!?" "No."

5:21: I will pay real American currency if Buckley was listening to Ke$ha. He definitely has the "Woooooooooooo!"-girl arm movements down.

6:25: Public address announcer introducing Army: "The team is lead by head coach, John Alberici." John? Really? Unless the Black Knights were actually coached by Alberici's twin from an alternate universe named John -- he has a goatee and wears sunglasses, of course -- Miami isn't particularly strong with, like, names. This is why you can't have nice things, Florida.

7:08: Nothing to see here, just an orange wearing a crown with human arms and legs. Wait, what? Genetic engineering is weird in Florida, man.

7:53: "This is your captain speaking. We'll be flying at 30,000 feet real soon, and when we get over West Point, we're going to push your asses out and make you parachute back to the ground. Thanks for flying Army Airlines. Complimentary peanuts are available upon request."

8:01: Sure, you have a new building and everything, but I bet you don't have something as badass as this, Hopkins.

Congratulations to Thul on his accomplishment, and also a hearty "Thank you!" to all of the Army players that have chosen a path of service. Jokes aside, you and your peers at the other service academies have my unmitigated respect, and your honor and courage is without equal.