No fancy introduction is necessary: The video is up there; the breakdown is down there. Let's go!
0:01: "Hey, do we have graphics that makes things look like weird emergency broadcast transmissions from the 1950's even though technology has clearly progressed to the point that such instances of nostalgia provide neither achievement in design or relevant context?" "You were fired six weeks ago. Go home." "But I have nowhere to go!"
0:05: "Hey, do we have graphics from a future dystopian television show that pits man against man in a fight to the death?" "Yes, and you're rehired. Head of production, my man. Find the soundtrack to that show, make it the audio for the video, and you get a raise. Also, try to get the guy from Family Feud and Match Game to be in the damn thing."
0:26: "Hey, make sure that when 'ATTACK' flashes on the screen that it sounds like a machine is making the graphics appear. Mostly because half the team is comprised of cyborgs this season."
0:32: Are those rhythmic gymnastics ribbons behind Blye in the weight room? Maryland is going to be FABULOUS! in 2013.
0:42: Look behind Tillman's left shoulder: How many NCAA titles does Maryland claim? As far as I know, the Terps have only won two -- 1971 and 1975. "PAAAWWWWLLLL, Maryland is at least a four time lacrosse champion, Paaawwwl! I don't care what the Yankee swine at the NCAA say, Paaawwwwwllll!"
1:32: "We look to be aggressive and a high tempo offense." Look: I like Owen Blye -- he's a Patriot missile in cleats -- but if he's referencing what the Terps have been as an indication of what they'll be in 2013, he's spitting some next-level nonsense. For context, here's Maryland's pace over the last four seasons: 2012 -- 59.17 (58th); 2011 -- 59.77 (55th); 2010 -- 66.02 (46th); and 2009 -- 67.87 (45th). Does that mean that the Terps will embrace slow this year like a Doomsday prepper does a gas mask? It's yet to be seen.
2:26: The goals-for per game stat, which ranked 18th in the nation in 2012, means nothing to me. On an adjusted offensive efficiency basis, the Terps were putting up almost 37 goals per 100 offensive opportunities, a mark that finished third nationally last season. That's why pace is important, and also why Maryland's adjustment to the new rules in 2013 -- regulations designed to increase tempo -- are so important relative to the success that the Terps may or may not have in this new reality.
3:09: "We have some guys that have been through some wars." In 1972, a crack commando unit from Maryland was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the College Park underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as lacrosse soldiers of fortune. If you have a lacrosse problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the Terrapins.
3:38: Again, ignore the goals-allowed per game stat, a marked that ranked ninth last season but is pace-included. In 2012, the Terps finished the season ranked eighth in adjusted defensive efficiency, allowing just 25 tallies per 100 defensive opportunities.
4:35: Just a note on Holmes: He was banged up a bunch last season. Prior to that, he was a major factor in Maryland's success.
6:02: "Our goals are to go undefeated. . . ." That's . . . that's not just setting the bar high; that's a philosophy of blowing up the moon and accepting nothing less. I like it.