With fall ball starting to wind down around the nation, college lacrosse is approaching the best part of its season: When gigantic semi tires are used as a means to break the will of the weak. It's like these teams have no interest in spending their late-fall period writing Gloria Estefan fan fiction, instead pushing and pulling heavy things for fun. Priorities, people.
Loyola was kind of the first team out of the gate this season with a strength and conditioning montage, compressing hours of labor into three minutes of video accompanied with an EDM soundtrack that makes you want to stab your ears repeatedly until the sound of silence comforts you. Let's break this down.
0:06: This is like recovered video. "In October 2013 40 student-athletes disappeared on Charles Street in Baltimore, Maryland while training for lacrosse season. A year later the footage of their conditioning was found. The Toomey Witch Project."
0:10: I see no t-shirts tucked into shorts. The season is off to a good start.
0:18: I see that strength and conditioning methodology is taking cues from Double Dare. Whatever player finishes placing the plates last gets slimed. This is what happens when you make Marc Summers your Strength and Conditioning Coordinator.
0:41: "Practice using the toilet . . . practice using the toilet -- don't touch the rim; it's a port-o-potty! Okay, now push this sled! Good! Ha! I have no idea why those two things are done together." -- Marc Summers, Loyola's Strength and Conditioning Coordinator
1:10: In terms of physical challenges, jumping on a tire seems pretty lame. That's certainly not a Triple Dare Challenge. Even the family from Omaha, Nebraska that eats only deep-fried everything can do that one. Summers shouldn't award any money for winning that challenge.
1:14: That's a huge rope that tips over a gigantic bucket of slime over Coach Toomey. It's not Super Sloppy Strength and Conditioning for nothing.
1:37: This is a new set-up for the Double Dare obstacle course. You only have 60 seconds! Hurry! You're going to want that vacation to a terribly destitute destination where tourists are routinely murdered!
2:25: It's like they're not even featuring the parts where trivia questions are asked. It's all physical challenges. This is not good strength and conditioning television.