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Lacrosse Season Starts in 11 Days; Bring a Shovel

Lacrosse is a spring sport. Kind of.

By Hoya Suxa
Hannah Foslien

Lacrosse is a spring sport. I know this because shorts are involved in lacrosse, and when I was a child and wanted to wear shorts in cold weather my mother would say, "It's not spring, dumbass. Put on pants and stop being a dumbass." Shorts, basically, are the demarcating line between spring and winter -- if you wear them outside and family members do not discount your intelligence and question which genes, exactly, you received, you are officially out of winter and in the clutches of spring's warm embrace. If you disagree with that, ask my mother. She'd be happy to give you a dissertation on shorts, seasons, and the moron that she birthed (presumably on purpose).

The college lacrosse season, however, disagrees with my mother. You see, the weather is pretty miserable in most areas of the country with a lacrosse team right now, and yet lacrosse is happening, which means that spring is here. This cognitive dissonance is just about set to make blood leak out of my ears as I stare off into space, unable to the reconcile this problem: Lacrosse means spring; spring means shorts; if I put on shorts right now, certain sensitive areas of my body may up and quit being a part of my body. This is difficult, confusing, and really the strongest argument ever against the Roman calendar. I'm not sure what to do right now. Someone hold me.

Anyway, here's some chatter from the Twitter machine on the inanity of playing lacrosse in the middle of January, along with some super important commentary from me.

This seems like fun!*

*Fun in this context means miserable, but not as miserable as having to drink gasoline and then smoke a cigar. It is, however, less fun than going to a party with balloon animals and drinking warm apple cider compared to having to run wind sprints on a frozen field that was freshly plowed by a machine that may or may not be in a lacrosse team's facility budget. So, yeah.

VMI is in Virginia, where it only snows when Mother Nature decides that people don't understand that lacrosse is a spring sport and that "Sweatpants, ahoy!" is exciting and everything until you're doing up-downs in two inches of frosty hell. Also: it's nice to see some Keydets have a little fun outside of their daily routine, which I assume is "have no fun; eat hot embers in the barracks like a real soldier for supper."

Spring sport!*

*Spring sport in this context means, well, I have no idea anymore. At least it's not locusts or frogs or something like that in Durham. Actually, locusts and frogs would make more sense as a weather phenomenon during lacrosse season mostly because that's Old Testament-type weather, and the end of the world doesn't care whether it's lacrosse season or not. Repent now! Lacrosse season -- and the end of the world -- is nigh!

Hypothermia is a really good kind of thermia, right? Awesome. The great benefit of running wind sprints in temperatures like this is the onset of the human body's greatest feat: nose-booger-icicles. You know those things, right? When your nose runs and you get booger icicles hanging from your schnoz? Basically, it's your body telling you that you are dumb, and if you will continue to be dumb, you body will turn into a malfunctioning mucus factory spinning out of control. It's science; you can look it up.

Of course, not every team out there has to deal with those temperatures. For instance, Michigan is going to be rolling large in Oosterbaan Field House this afternoon:

What does noted social scientist and hip-hop artist Drake think about Michigan's situation?

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