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College Crosse's Strength and Conditioning Blogging Program

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All across the country teams are getting ready for fall ball and the 2013 season. This generally involves, at the moment, lifting heavy things, doing agility drills, running short and long distances, and generally doing stuff that doesn't involve ordering pizza and under-tipping the delivery guy. The work that the players will put in during the fall will help determine what kind of season they will have in the spring. Basically, it's a really important time that involves sweating and, in many instances, a disgusting grey t-shirt.

Not to be outdone by the subjects of this blog, College Crosse has begun its strength and conditioning blogging program. Now, if you think that I'm going to lift heavy things or wear a sweaty grey t-shirt you've just about lost your mind, psycho. I'd rather smash a brick against my face until I bleed out than try to squat 400 pounds and run two miles in under 12 minutes. I'm a male in his early-30's with liberal arts and a juris doctor degrees; my days of physical activity that involve more than lugging the cooler to and from the slow-pitch softball field are far behind me. No, man. I'm doing other vitally important strength and conditioning for next year's wall-to-wall college lacrosse blogging season. It's this reason that College Crosse remains the Internet's finest destination for Division I-only lacrosse things: Dedication (and no market competition).

My personal blogging trainer -- me, actually -- has set the following program to ensure that College Crosse is in the running for a national blogging championship in May. Here are a few of the more pertinent exercises that I've been doing:

  • Spending extended periods on the couch without pee breaks. This has had the added benefit of really forming my ass groove on the couch for maximum comfort while watching lacrosse, but it's mostly useful in that I can now spend approximately one episode of Ken Burns' Baseball without having to take a squirt. (The viewing equivalent of one Baseball episode is approximately a full Maryland Terrapins lacrosse game.) There was one time that I almost quit, but I persevered. I will be a champion.
  • I've programmed and categorized all local delivery places into my phone. Preparation is key, people. If the Chinese place is closed or the delivery time is too long, you don't want to be stuck trying to figure out alternatives. Just a quick scan through my contacts and BAM!, blogging-sustaining crab rangoon is on its way lickety-split.
  • After many hours alone with my computer -- in the dark with a can of Diet Coke -- I have discovered what the F10 button on my keyboard does. (Answer: Nothing.) Know your equipment, folks.
  • I've memorized all the Westy Hopkinses that play Division I lacrosse. (There is one. His name is Westy Hopkins. He plays for Notre Dame. Actually, this wasn't all that hard.)
  • I've spent many hours staring at a wall, waiting for its paint to peel. I am now one with Drexel, Hofstra, and Notre Dame lacrosse's preferred style of play.
  • I bought a "blogging sleeve." This is supposed to be a big performance enhancer, sliding over a blogger's fingers so that the pesky "z" button isn't missed during lightning quick blogging efforts. The last thing you want to do is write a headline with "Gadzooks!" and have it come out "Gadcooks!" That's just poor blogging, folks.
  • I've started to disassociate myself with the sun, building a strong tolerance for welcoming flourescent lighting. You can't make bad puns and surrealistic analogies if your skin is weak and needs Vitamin D to healthily exist and stuff. This is blogging evolution, you guys.

That's just a sampling of all the stuff that I'm doing; I don't want to give away all my secrets and let my competitors try and catch up. This is going to be a great year, pals and gal pals. I've been doing the work and I can feel the results.