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Maryland's Lacrosse Field is From the Future!

Maryland press release.  (Features from the future were redacted.)  via <a href=""></a>
Maryland press release. (Features from the future were redacted.) via

Do you see that image up there? Yes? That's Byrd Stadium's new FieldTurf surface. It's looks pretty standard on first glance -- lines, areas to stand and stuff, nothing involving hot molten lava pits -- but that's because you're missing the most important thing about the new field: It's from the future and hates contemporary physics!


The project at Maryland is the first of its kind in the United States and will feature exclusive new heat-reducing technology - CoolPlay - which, coupled with the patented silica sand and cryogenic rubber infill, will provide the facility with the "coolest" infill technology. FieldTurf has done extensive temperature testing which shows that CoolPlay infill provides for a difference of up to 15 degrees Fahrenheit versus traditional rubber infill systems.

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Maryland men's lacrosse head coach John Tillman said, "Having a field that is safer for our student-athletes and plays so much cooler is very important. The fact that it will look terrific and be a great asset to Coach Edsall and I when we are recruiting makes it that much better. I am excited not only for our student-athletes but for everyone associated with the University of Maryland."

I told you: It's from the future, boss! The sun is quaking in is gaseous boots at the ability of synthetic materials to say "Aw, hell no!" to its heat deathrays. No longer will Maryland suffer the tyranny of being a human under the dictatorial reign of Ra, forced to drink liquids to combat the slight discomfort of playing on a field that is only mildy warm and probably not all that bad compared to wearing black shirts during play combined with an overall atmospheric humidity hovering around 87 percent.

No! That will not be happening anymore because Maryland's field is from the future, built by an alien contracting company that still stiffed them on the materials and labor because bamboozlement still exist in the future (even if the aliens are from another galaxy)! Yes, friends, the new surface at Capital One Field will ensure that the zero percent of lacrosse players that suffer third-degree burns and require skin grafting due to touching regular FieldTurf or -- gasp! -- grass will now be reduced to less than zero percent because Maryland's field is from the future and in the future negative percentages are possible in a statistical count of individuals impacted in a non-recognized event.

This is a great day for America (and the future). Byrd Stadium will host an NCAA Quarterfinal double header in 2013.