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North Carolina Does Lacrosse Stuff with a Tense Voice Over

We're gonna need a montage!

Fall training doesn't happen unless it's documented on film with a hype soundtrack that sounds like it's designed to either make you want to wrestle grizzly bears with your bare hands or set a tone that can be best described as "somewhat tense, but it's just weight lifting, which has no ascriable degree of tension other than 'When will they get to the part where they deadlift Volkswagens?'" That is an absolute fact, devoid of mitigation or other qualification. If your favorite Division I lacrosse team didn't make a video of them flipping tires or otherwise keeping MET-Rx in business, they didn't train this fall and you're probably not going to like the results in the spring. Sorry, there's nothing that can be done about it now.

North Carolina escalated the workout video situation a bit with its latest offering. Not only does it show the Tar Heels working out while the mood is set with violins and stuff, it also has a narration. That's right, pals and gal pals: The paradigm has now shifted to include people with cooler voices than my own. Who will be the first to get Morgan Freeman to narrate their season documentary? Odds are even right now on Princeton.

Let's break this down.

0:01: Just like the Beatles walking down Abbey Road, but in sweatpants and probably not full of LSD. Also, I like the use of the crosswalk here. J-walking is a serious, serious crime, people.

0:09: Let me tell you what I was doing at 6:00 A.M.: Not rising and shining, that's for damn sure. But it's nice to know that there's a 6:00 A.M. in the morning now. Sounds like a decent addition to clocks and time-keeping everywhere.

0:22: Dude, you all missed. The goal is right in front of you; you're right on the doorstep. These new stringing rules are raising havoc with shooting already. We are all doomed. Doomed!

0:29: "Hewwwwwwwwwwww. Heeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww." Mouth breathing is for the Proletariat.

1:27: Those violins were borrowed directly from the soundtrack of the Bourne movies. North Carolina spared no expense in making this film.

2:40: "Then you can go forth and face your enemy, the enemy within." Dude, it's just lacrosse. Nietzsche doesn't have much to do with flipping tires, unless you're some kind of existentialist or something. And if you're an existentialist, you're probably reading this Internet writing not on a computer but on the panini you ordered for lunch.

2:46: "You're a lion in a field of lions." The ciiiiiiiiiiiircle of life! Joey Sankey is Simba!

3:00: "That for you, the laws of physics are merely a suggestion." It's confirmed: The Heels have discovered natural human flight and distorted the prohibitions of gravity. They'll have the best clearning game in the country in 2013, just flapping their arms 10 feet above everyone else as they go to goal.

3:51: Ray Lewis: Motivatin'!