Your Guide to How Select Lacrosse Fans Will be Mad Online About the NCAA Lacrosse Bracket

The NCAA Selection Committee is going to release a 17-team championship bracket tonight. ESPNU will broadcast the announcement, allowing people the necessary fuel to burn down the internet. This is your guide to how a handful of college lacrosse fanbases will be mad online about what the NCAA did or didn’t do to their team because the NCAA is totally out to ream those teams right in the keister.

Army Fans: “We lost to Navy, the only other team that exists, but at 0-1 against the only other team in the NCAA (which went 1-0) we should be in! Also, we have (1) access to very powerful weapons with super crazy tracking devices, and (2) the ability to acquire intelligence about a person’s whereabouts. You do not want to see us when we’re angry!”

Rutgers Fans: “It’s a conspiracy to keep Rutgers out! They tell you it’s the RPI, but it’s not the real RPI -- the Rutgers Percentage Index, which says that only Rutgers has Jersey power! Does Duke have Jersey power? No, only Rutgers has Jersey power! Is Denver even near an ocean, never mind having a shore on one?! No, way! Only Rutgers has Jersey power!”

Syracuse Fans: “Desko didn’t Desko the Desko?! Fire Desko! Desko can’t even Desko a Deskoing Desko! Fire Desko! It’s so Desko that Desko didn’t Desko right, Desko’d the Desko! FIRE DESKO!”

Maryland Fans: “I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT THE COMMITTEE IS GOING TO MAKE MARYLAND PLAY A TOTAL OF FOUR GAMES IF IT WANTS TO WIN A TITLE THIS IS ALL BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTS THE TERPS TO LOSE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A BYE THROUGH THIS TOURNAMENT DIRECTLY INTO THE 2018 SEMIFINALS ALL THE WORK OF THE CAROLINA CULT CAUSE WE LEFT AND THEY CAN’T DEAL WITH IT ALSO I BET THE NCAA MAKES US DRINK POWERADE BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE AN OLD BAY FLAVORED SPORTS DRINK BECAUSE ANYTHING THAT THE NCAA CAN DO TO SCREW MARYLAND THEY’LL DO”

Johns Hopkins Fans: “Lacrosse was better when there was no tournament and Hopkins just got to say it was the champion and write a medical journal article to prove it.”

Ohio State Fans/Penn State Fans: [null set]

Yale Fans: “Do you even know who my Dad is? He’s important, okay? He built an empire making those cardboard rolls inside of toilet paper. He is not a guy to mess with! A road game? We won the Ivy League, basically the same as putting all of your competitors in the toilet paper roll business out on the street because you’re not a guy to mess with, like my Dad. Your day is coming, NCAA! You’re on your last two sheets of bathroom tissue and all that will be left is the roll — your reminder that you shouldn’t mess with Yale or my Dad! We will not forget this road game!”

Denver Fans: [emerges from woods wearing cargo shorts, sandals, and a dusty Kings of Leon t-shirt while crunching on some granola]

[shrugs shoulders and shoves hands into pockets]

[heads back into woods to write long essay about why car insurance is just another thing keeping humans from ‘really interacting with each other, man’]

Notre Dame Fans: “The NCAA doesn’t realize how hard it is to win lacrosse games when you have half the team working on thesis projects that will win a Pulitzer and the other half in the lab making their final pitches for Nobel Prizes. Does Syracuse have a guy that put a remote control in a particle accelerator and had his TV magically flip to a channel that only exists in the future?! I DIDN’T THINK SO! This is about a balanced athletic program — winning games on the field and earning B.A.’s in Genius from the University of Intelligence. Notre Dame is a one-seed in the human experience and lacrosse. The NCAA are hypocrites!”

North Carolina Fans: “We won the cot dang ACC Tournament and didn’t get a top four seed? Do you know what it means to win the ACC Tournament? It means that you’re a champion, the best of the best, and also get 15% off at Food Lion on select Saturdays. Food Lion has more respect for the ACC than the NCAA, and I’m pretty sure I saw a human hand in the butcher section there once. Also, we helped rig it so that Maryland wouldn’t get a bye into the 2018 semifinals and this is how you repay us?”