The Stakes: 2017 Ivy League Men’s Lacrosse Tournament

THE STAKES: GUARANTEED ACCURATE PREDICTIONS

Using the incredible power of lacrosse computers to analyze hundreds of college lacrosse games played in 2017, the machines that will eventually join together to overthrow the human race in a bloody and dispassionate uprising have determined the likelihood of how conference tournaments will shake out this spring. Two models were utilized — the Massey Ratings and an SRS system. These predictions are guaranteed to be right, unless they turn out to be smoldering garbage.

TITLE FAVORITE: Yale (1): 39%

MOST LIKELY FINAL: Yale (1)-Princeton (2)

BLENDED WIN PROBABILITY OF MOST LIKELY FINAL: Yale (1) (57%)-Princeton (2) (43%)

THREE FRIGHTENINGLY BRIEF AND INCOMPLETE THOUGHTS

1. Mr. Pringles, a penguin wearing a top hat and smuggly drinking a dry martini with three olives, is the designer and ruler of the Ivy League Tournament. His machinations are at once capricious and with supreme veneration, his vision — slightly cockeyed due to an affection for a stiff drink — is a mix of myth and truth. To wit: He has put Brown into this playoff four times and never allowed the Bears a Gatorade bath; Princeton, long the favorite son of Mr. Pringles, has progressed to four title games but has captured only one championship banner; Yale has never turned down an invitation from the great capitalist sorcerer — the Bulldogs are the only school to earn a bid to every playdown in its eight-year history and are only one of two to actually have a winning record in this exercise in penguin vanity — and has only now been graced with the opportunity to host this predetermined whim of Mr. Pringles; and Dartmouth, which seemingly reminds Mr. Pringles of his former climate before flying away on wings made of $100 bills, has yet to find a place at Oz’s table. Put on your finest oxford and pleated Canalis — Mr. Pringles’ great experiment in showing you his own reality of privilege and refined visage is upon us once more.
2. The Ivy League Tournament is in New Haven this year, so it’s absolutely necessary to dedicate important lacrosse words to a definitive ranking of New Haven pizza joints: (1) Modern; (2) Pepe’s; (3) Bar; (4) Sally’s; (5) Everything else. Any other ranking of New Haven pizza places is a lie and probably an auto-populated death list from a robot plotting your eventual demise. The Italian Bomb at Modern is almost a perfect pizza (or at least as close as you can get); Pepe’s clam pie will blow your brain apart it’s so good; Bar’s mashed potato pizza is both the weirdest thing I’ve ever eaten and also one of the best; and Sally’s is really good despite getting its butt whipped against the best pizza parlors in the country. How can you not live with this in your life?!

Photo by Christopher Capozziello/Getty Images

Stop living like a mutant and eat your way through New Haven’s pizza joints while waiting for Mr. Pringles to pick an Ivy League Tournament champion.

3. The Ivy League has seemingly been on a collision course of featuring Yale and Princeton in the tournament final. The odds indicate that this is the most likely outcome — the game between the Elis and Tigers being, basically, a toss-up — but setting aside Penn — winners of three straight, including a skull-rearrangement of Virginia in Durham — and Brown — suddenly at 9-5 and possibly moving in the right direction — are more than glass jaws designed to allow the favorites to get some work in before the showcase. This should be exceedingly fun, even if Mr. Pringles’ wants misalign with the true force of what his constituents desire.

POLL: BEAT THE MACHINES AND WIN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING