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Important Facts About Albany's Bus Trip from Dallas to Albany

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All of this stuff beats walking.

David Goldman/Getty Images

There are two reasonable reactions to having a flight canceled: (1) Unloading an expletive-laden dose of feelings on an emotionless airline representative that only has a job in customer service because poking people with torches isn't a respectable career; or (2) Finding alternative means for transportation. Albany went with the latter option:

This . . . men and women died of dysentary making this trip 100 years ago. There's nothing fun about crossing half of the country -- even if it is the most freedom-loving country on the planet -- but the Danes made the best of their miserable situation:

I've never gotten drive-thru burgers while riding on a tractor, but it is now a life goal.

That seems like a very exact price for a Kit Kat. Are we talking fun-size Kit Kat or human-sized Kit Kat? Is it just one leg of a Kit Kat or a full Kit Kat? I am an idiot when it comes to the pricing methods of confectionery, especially when you lump in cost of living indexes in the southern part of the United States. Also: Is there a non-standard Kit Kat pricing associated with any coffee purchase? Is there a Kit Kat throw-in rate table in Tennessee mandated under statutory authority? This sign creates more questions than answers.

It's confirmed: I have no reason to visit much of the country.

TOMORROW YOU REGRET DINING AT CHECKERS!

Google Maps says that it's 1,648 miles between Dallas and Albany:

Albany Dallas

In more tangible terms:

  • The distance between Dallas and Albany is approximately 11,349,706 Pringles cans long.
  • A quick Google search notes that an alligator's top speed tops out at 11 MPH. If Albany had ridden alligators instead of on a bus and made no stops to feed the alligators or run from rogue alligators that chose not to be domesticated as a form of transportation (instead hunting their would-be riders as "food"), it would have taken Albany about 150 hours to return to New York State.
  • Albany visited seven states in its journey. The Danes will play in eight states during the 2015 regular season.
  • Albany couldn't have mailed itself back home as the U.S. Postal Service does not permit shipping of packages over 70 pounds. THANKS, OBAMA! (I don't even know who would have signed for Albany considering Albany was mailing itself.)
  • The world record for the longest human cannonball flight is 193 feet, 8.8 inches. The holder of the record was launched by a 26-foot long cannon. Assuming that a cannon of proportional requirements is necessary to carry a human cannonball across 1,648 miles (which isn't even close to true thanks to stupid physics, but whatever), Albany would have had to build a cannon around 1,172,216 feet long -- that's 222 miles long! -- to shoot its people home. That would probably violate a Geneva Convention or something.
Once again, for the record: SPRING SPORT!