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We're Gonna Need a Montage: Rutgers is Testing, Strengthening, and Conditioning

We're officially in my favorite part of the lacrosse calendar: Lifting Volkswagens Season.

Despite the weather in my particular corner of the planet -- hot, humid, and blood soon-to-be-falling-from-the-sky -- it's officially fall. I know this for two reasons:

  1. College football feelings are filling up my television screen on a daily basis.
  2. Awesome craft beer is everywhere, including the return of the market-saturated Southern Tier Imperial Pumking.

This can mean only one thing: College lacrosse teams are in the midst of their annual efforts in testing, strengthening, and conditioning. This is my favorite part of the lacrosse calendar, mostly because the montages that programs put together chronicling their testing, strengthening, and conditioning -- usually set to a horrific soundtrack that deserves to be hand-delivered to the moon and left there for future generations to discover and realize that the past was filled with brain-leaking tunes -- are ripe for smart-assery.

Rutgers -- at least according to my YouTube account -- is the first team to release a look into their fall program efforts. The video -- it's at the top of this post; press play and prepare for Earth to spin into the Sun -- is everything that a testing, strengthening, and conditioning video should be: A montage of things happening, none of which are particular interesting.

Let's break this down:

0:12: These are things that exist. Those things are in a room. I'm mostly upset that I didn't see any of those belt vibrating contraptions. You know those things -- it's, like, a belt attached to a washing machine and the whole things rattles while supposedly making you either lose weight or feel like a shaken martini. You can't strength, condition, and test without the best technology of 1957, Rutgers.

0:20: I saw exactly zero players with their shirts tucked into their shorts. Rutgers is off to a great start to their 2014-2015 campaign.

0:28: THERE IS A MAN WEARING SHORTS AND AN UNTUCKED BUTTON-DOWN SHORT-SLEEVE SHIRT! I REPEAT: THERE IS A MAN WEARING SHORTS AND AN UNTUCKED BUTTON-DOWN SHORT-SLEEVE SHIRT! Please notify the local Piscataway Knights of Columbus or VFW as they have misplaced a member that has wandered into the Rutgers weight room. This is not a drill.

0:38: I didn't realize that the Scarlet Knights needed to test players to see if they could play "The Floor is Lava." Better to be safe than sorry, I suppose.

0:48: Field day! Which class will win the water balloon fight? I'm going with the sophomores.