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The Answer to Dartmouth's Head Coach Search

There's only one reasonable candidate at this point.

Dartmouth issued a press release on June 25, 2014, announcing Andy Towers' separation from the Big Green after serving as Dartmouth's head men's lacrosse coach for the past five seasons. Since that time, the Green have conducted a national search for a new program navigator, presumably interviewing dozens of potential candidates for the vacancy. Dartmouth, however, has been unable to identify the right fit for the job, seeing the search seemingly spiral at the least optimal point in the year: The Big Green have missed the summer recruiting season and are around a month away from the opening of Dartmouth's fall term for the coming academic year.

It is under these circumstances that College Crosse makes the following recommendation to the Big Green: Hire Keggy the Keg, Dartmouth's official unofficial mascot.

It has been irresponsible of the Dartmouth brass to ignore this option throughout their process of seeking a new head coach. Keggy is not only the best option available to the Green at this point, but also an inspired hire that is guaranteed to reverse the fortunes of a program that has claimed only two -- 1964 and 2003 -- regular season Ivy League championships. Keggy's situation is unmatched among all other potential candidates, and could mark the turning point for Dartmouth's lacrosse concern:

  • An anthropomorphic keg has never lost a Division I lacrosse game as a head coach. Ever. That's a fact. You can look it up. Anthropomorphic kegs are undefeated as Division I head coaches, but the Green's history of human head coaches yields only a 46.2 winning percentage. Keggy may not be a proven winner, but it -- he? she? -- is also not a proven loser.
  • Keggy is already on Dartmouth's payroll. This will save the administrative staff the painful task of filling out payroll forms for Keggy. (Keggy pays state and federal taxes, right? If not, that's a bonus: No need to gross up its salary to account for governments pouring money from Keggy's tap.)
  • Keggy is familiar with cold-filtered products, perfect for early-February scrimmages in Hanover's suffocating snow.
  • Lack of ears makes Keggy impervious to angry parents calling about their sons' playing time. Eyes without lids also indicate that Keggy never sleeps and is hyper-focused, important traits for a sociopathic head coach hell bent on winning.
  • Existence as an anthropomorphic keg ensures that if the NCAA ever adopts a rule that changes the overtime format to one where the winner will be decided by a keg toss, Dartmouth will be prepared and ready to succeed.
  • Hiring Keggy ensures that Dartmouth will remain an equal opportunity employer, not discriminating on the basis of race, color, religion, sex, national origin, or if an anthropomorphic keg.
  • Keggy is already embraced by the Dartmouth student body and alumni. As far as fundraising ambassadors go, it is beloved by all (and also drives down the cost of stocking a bar at such events as it is apparently full of an endless supply of beer). When factoring Keggy's pay against the amount of dollars it could generate for the university through fundraising and otherwise, Keggy could actually serve as an income-generating asset for the university.

Tabbing Keggy as the Green's next head men's lacrosse coach -- the 10th in the program's history -- is the right choice. Any other option should come with "STUPID!" stamped in red on the memorandum.