In our hiatus here at College Crosse, some big news happened up in New Hampshire. Andy Towers is out at Hanover after a mutual decision, which means the Dartmouth Big Green are now in need of a new head coach. In an otherwise slow offseason for coaching moves to this point, the Big Green have some hard investigating up ahead on who they want to pluck.
Enter College Crosse Consulting, LLC. We deliver results by flooding the e-mail inboxes and P.O. boxes of every lacrosse coach in the nation at every level about jobs at schools that didn't at all ask us to do so. Last summer, we did so for Hobart and it BROUGHT RESULTS! The Statesmen made it to the NEC Championship game in their first season under Greg Raymond.
That means it's time to help Dartmouth out with our great pro-bono campaign. And really, what head coach won't want to go up to the mountains of New Hampshire when they see the cover to our brochure?
That's right, we've enlisted the help of America's most favorite mascot, Keggy the Keg! We promise he was only four beers deep at certain times in this process. Now right off the bat, we might have some skeptics. That's why off the bat we tell you:
WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT DARTMOUTH VS. WHAT WE WANT YOU TO KNOW
- THEY want you to think New Hampshire's a dead zone for recruiting, but WE know that New Hampshire's basically a giant recreational suburb of Boston. And just look at how big of a hotbed Massachusetts is becoming!
- THEY want you to think Dartmouth struggles in the Ivy League, but WE would like to point out how Harvard rose this year. This is the NEW Ivy League with parity and unpredictability and YOU can totally lead Dartmouth to the NCAA Tournament with one of the multiple bids the conference receives.
- THEY want you to think Ivy League lacrosse will struggle with more high profile schools joining the lacrosse landscape and the academic side of things posing a challenge, but WE know the Ivy League had the most bids to the NCAAs outside the ACC and NO LOOK AWAY FROM THAT QUARTERFINAL CATEGORY NOOO NO POINT OUT SYRACUSE OR LOYOLA'S PITFALLS INSTEAD
- THEY will tell you you'll get tired of the cold weather, but WE will say that cold weather's what allowed us to completely derail Princeton's 2013 season.
Now that we've cleared up those misconceptions, we hit them on facts about Dartmouth College
Getting to Know Dartmouth College
- It's an Ivy League school, you nitwits. That's all we really need to say
- Oh, we need to say more? Okay, it's been around before the United States of America was a thing.
- Okay, really, I think the Ivy League point got through to you. You can tell your players and recruits they'll become hotshots in the political or business world. A great education in addition to playing D-1 lacrosse.
- FOR GOD'S SAKES, IT'S IVY LEAGUE. IT ALSO HAS MEN'S LACROSSE. IF YOU WANNA COACH D-1 MEN'S LACROSSE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, YOU HAVE TO COACH AT DARTMOUTH. DON'T BE WAITING ON UNH TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN FAIL IN THE NCAA HOCKEY TOURNAMENT FOR THE UPTEENTH STRAIGHT YEAR.
If all that mumbo jumbo doesn't seal the deal, we then go for selling the state of New Hampshire itself. I actually lived the first few years of my life in The Granite State, so now we're really able to go for the kill!
Life Free or Miss Out When You Die: New Hampshire
- It's extremely beautiful in the fall with all the foliage.
- Do you like skiing? A ton of where that came from.
- Dartmouth's basically 5 minutes away from Vermont, too. So more skiing and foliage to take in!
- Lots of lakes for fishing and stuff!
- You can probably get some CBC station from Quebec on your TV antenna! Perfect for former Team Canada players! (P.S.: We've offered bounties for goals against you Canucks to guys like Rabil and Pannell and the Powells when you're playing in Denver. Good luck with that.)
- You can vote in those really important primaries every four years!
- Be sure to check out the greatest tourist trap in the state: the (former) site of The Old Man of the Mountain!
If all that doesn't work, we hit all these coaches with a blunt message. Instead of getting other people upset like we did with Hobart (you should see the angry letter we got from the Arby's in Cortland for that one!), we figured to go with something with more of an impact:
Yep, coaches will be calling Dartmouth Athletics' phone lines in no time once they get hit with that threat. We're College Crosse Consulting LLC, and we'll make your coaching search a breeze. Thank us later, Big Green.