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2014 NCAA Lacrosse Tournament: Matt Picks the Bracket While Icing a Herniated Disc

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I'm in pain and made decisions while seeing red. This should all work out swimmingly.

Mark Dadswell

Good news, everyone! While I was lying on the floor applying ice to a part of my body that I'm considering disowning, I filled out an NCAA Tournament bracket and totally picked every game correctly. It's true! Doing it was simple:

  • First, I downloaded the bracket image from this Internet computing page.
  • Second, I opened Microsoft Paint (or, as I like to call it, "Cave Wall Drawing Machine").
  • Third, I used one hand to fill in all of my picks while making the incessant pain of a herniated disc feel almost tolerable.
  • Fourth, at no time did I ever actually consider important things in these matchups (like, for instance, why a team would win or lose). I just picked 'em because they came to me through divine intervention. I am a vehicle for spreading the word of totally accurate lacrosse picks. I didn't choose this life, but I accept what I've been given.
  • Fifth, I wrote this on the Internet with one hand.

Here's how a perfect bracket looks:

Matt_s_bracket_medium

(Click to have your mind 'sploded.)

We're not going to run a bracket competition this year because they are a major pain in the ass (almost as much of a pain in the ass as a herniated disc is). Instead, this is what you should do:

  • First, download the bracket image from this Internet computing page.
  • Second, open Microsoft Paint or start a comment on this post.
  • Third, create your very inferior bracket to mine (unless you copy me, and my perfect bracket is telling you very directly not to copy my perfect bracket).
  • Fourth, write down your picks in the comments or make your bracket appear in the comments as an embedded image or something. Do not email me your bracket! I do not want it! I am serious! Do not email me your bracket! If you email me your bracket I will delete it and alert the Internet police and then your ass will be mowed. You know what's an easy way to embed your bracket if you don't want to write down your picks? Upload it to twitter or something and then copy the link to the tweet into the comment. Presto-bammo: You just mastered Internetting.
  • Fifth, weep tears of sadness when my bracket beats up your bracket.

So, get to it. Make your picks and wallow in losing to my awesome and perfect bracket.