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On the Road with Notre Dame

What's it like to travel with the Irish?

Last year I read 26 books just because I wanted to do it. The focus wasn't on new stuff that I may have missed, but rather stuff that I should have read years ago. When I asked friends for recommendations, I think that Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" returned with the highest volumes of "YOU HAVEN'T READ THAT YET, DUMMY?!" Let's be clear: Jack Kerouac ranks somewhere beneath "Mayonnaise Sunblock" and just above "Carbonated Urine" in my hierarchy of life. I . . . just can't do Kerouac. I had read "Mexico City Blues" and wanted to light my eyes on fire. For a guy synonymous with the beat movement and all that it entailed -- notably, William S. Burrough's "Naked Lunch," which remains an American must-have -- Kerouac seemed more like a guy that ruined things than made things better.

So I told my friends to shove their recommendations and I didn't read the book.

Regardless, this post carries the title -- kind of -- of his dreadful piece of trash (assumed). It has nothing to do with Kerouac crossing the country and probably writing crappy things about this travels. Let's break down the video.

0:01: Important note: The sign outside of Arlotta is somewhat misleading -- this is also where Notre Dame holds its cockfighting competitions.

0:12: Sure, this is a police escort, but the reason for the escort wasn't to get Notre Dame's lacrosse team into Indianapolis. No, the real reason is this: The local police force was fooled into believing the this bus was filled with deadly government operatives sent to Indiana to protect the state from the "imminent" -- as culled from intelligence services -- robot apocalypse. Very clever, Notre Dame. Very clever.

0:20: "Famous Since 1902." Bullshit. I've never heard of it. Indianapolis is full of liars.

0:24: Mmmmmm . . . gelatinous brown stuff.

0:28: What the hell is that painting on the wall supposed to depict? I don't even. It's almost as boring as Indiana itself. Which, I guess, serves the purpose of the painting's existence.

0:48: "So, uh, guys -- we were supposed to wear shirts and slacks? Wasn't this the dress-in-a-t-shirt-and-look-like-a-goober meal? Why didn't anyone tell me? I wasn't supposed to be the goober! God!"

0:50: Congratulations on graduating! Here's a diploma, a bill for your student loans (due immediately), and a futon for your parent's basement.

1:10: I like how Jack Swarbrick looks like he's addressing a grocer's convention. "I want to do three things briefly: One -- nobody knows that cereal shouldn't be rdiculous expensive, but I thank you for price gouging; two -- don't actually enforce the "Ten Items or Less" rule as nobody follows it anyway; and three -- hugs, not drugs."

2:12: Is that a portrait of Sacco and Vanzetti on the easel in the background? Bad omen, hombres.

2:19: You can come back for seconds, you know. There's no need to get it all on one plate. Unless, of course, this is a really fancy spaghetti-chicken-finger-salad-hot-dog dish. In which case, good on you, future-Guy-Fieri.

2:47: These are obviously prop provisions for the "robot apocalypse." Nice touch to keep up the ruse, Irish.