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The Iron Spider Workout

We're gonna need a montage!

Richmond is hurtling toward its first season in Division I lacrosse and that means only one thing: With a truncated period of time until something important happens, a montage is necessary to accelerate growth and development. This is the governing rule of the universe -- as the documentary Rocky illustrated -- and the Spiders are now sucked into that vacuum.

Let's break this down.

0:06: This seems like a wholly unnecessary way to power a wave pool. Alternatively, this is the most egregious game of double dutch every played with, presumably, longshoremen.

0:15: Are those guys doing pilates in the background? If so, Richmond has become my mother's favorite lacrosse program.

0:20: Is there, like, a surplus store for semi tires? Everybody has these things now. They're the iPod of strength and conditioning.

0:28: I'm not sure if everyone understands this, but the wheel was invented centuries ago because of its ability to roll. Flipping it over and jumping through it? That's just farting in the mouth of the wheel's creator. If tires were meant to be used this way, I'd have an incredibly long commute each day and my car would be a 2,000-pound nightmare.

0:32: Those are Marine push-ups if combined with "The floor is lava!" game.

0:35: This seems like the slowest, least efficient way to demolish a wall.

0:40: There are a pack of dogs somewhere that are watching this and thinking, "Humans can actually pull these things? We've been lied to for centuries! And we've only been paid in treats?! We're going on strike!" (Of course, that would all be thought in dogspeak, which is basically, "I'm a dog . . . I'm a dog . . . I'm a dog. . . .")

0:55: The world's most uncomfortable yoga mats are in Richmond, Virginia.

1:02: These guys hate rubber tires! Also, in a game of Sledgehammer-Rubber Tire, Rubber Tire always wins.

1:20: Richmond Lacrosse and Contracting, Ltd. is the reason the Big Dig took the better part of two decades to finish.

Cinderella, dressed in yellow,
Went upstairs to kiss her fellow,
Made a mistake and kissed a snake,
How many doctors did it take?
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. . . . .

1:36: In the background: There are three guys attempting, presumably, to push down the wall. This team really isn't good at demolition. Get the right tools for the right job, you guys.