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Michigan Lacrosse Was Run-nang

Do you currently have vertigo? Would you like to have it?

Michigan lacrosse, entering its second season in college lacrosse's highest division, has been dominating the preseason training video business. There's been all kinds of stuff so far . . .

. . . and probably even more stuff that I've missed. It's nice to get these little glimpses into the progress that the Wolverines are making and the culture that John Paul is building in Ann Arbor. The transition to Division I hasn't been easy for Michigan, but at least they're doing their best to spread the gospel of Wolverines lacrosse on the YouTube machine. There is value in that, especially because it creates content for this Internet computing page.

Anyway, let's break down this video, the latest handicam special that took videography cues from The Blair Witch Project and recovered-amateur-video-of-a-Sasquatch-sighting on History Channel.

0:01: To the left: That's a t-shirt tucked into shorts sighting. Put it on the board!

0:08: Gerald Logan isn't doing a hand signal that he's focused or that you should watch him. Rather, he's demonstrating that his facemask is definite protection should Moe from The Three Stooges ever rise from the dead to try and poke out his eyeballs. The best defense against slapstick physical abuse is a lacrosse helmet facemask, of course.

0:11: The shakiness isn't a video technique. The camera operator and the two players are actually moving at warp speed through the streets of Ann Arbor. Michigan has the technology; they can move faster than light. This is something that probably wasn't considered in Face-Off Yearbook's ranking of the Wolverines.

0:48: For a video entitled "17's Sprint Day," there isn't a hell of a lot of sprinting going on. This is kind of how I "sprint," but somewhat different: My sprinting involves sitting on the couch and eating potato chips. I am a finely-tuned sprinter.

0:59: That's at least four more t-shirts tucked into shorts sightings. This team excels at looking like my dad at the beach.

1:05: Wet camera contest! Wooo! Let me see that white balance! Oh, baby! Wooo! Yeah, give it up for Panasonic!

1:47: Finally, some sprinting! This is exciting!

1:48: This is no longer exciting.

1:51: Again with the warp speed. I'm pretty sure that's well outside what's permitted in the NCAA rulebook. Jet packs? They're cool. Bending the physics of the universe to gain a competitive advantage? No dice.

2:07: I'm pretty sure I'd be vomiting right now if someone made me do this. In fact, watching other people do this kind of makes me want to vomit.

2:09: HEAD FIRST DIVE PAST THE CONES! You, sir, win at horizontal existence.

3:03: I was run-nang.