The 2014 FIL World Championships start tonight in Denver, Colorado. Team USA -- a six-miles-to-the-gallon muscle car -- and Team Canada -- a zero-mile-to-the-pushing toboggan -- open the event's affairs with a 9:00 ET tilt live on ESPN2. This is obviously a time to waive your fried chicken leg in the air and support Team USA, but a question still remains: Which college programs are the most 'merican?
I did something very straightforward to answer this question: I looked at Team USA's 23-man roster -- I'm not including alternates John Galloway (Syracuse) and Steele Stanwick (Virginia) in this scientific analysis -- and figured out where the players ran their college ball. The schools with the highest numbers of players on the Team USA roster were deemed the most freedom-loving; the schools with the fewest numbers were still American but not as liberty-drunk as others. Then I explained just how American each of these schools are that are sending representatives to pound in Canada's skull.
Good? Good. Let's go.
Johns Hopkins (5): Freakin' American
The Blue Jays have an oil painting of John Mellencamp over their fireplace. They own a Jeep and tow things behind it like jet skis and a portable, fully-stocked bar. Hopkins owns a Blu-ray player and only shows professional wrestling retrospective videos on their 72" television. The Jays wrote the Great American Novel and titled it, "The Power of Dunkin' Donuts and the Treachery of Tim Horton's." Hopkins does not fear the expiration date on milk because they believe in the Constitution and have an iron constitution.
Cornell and Maryland (3): Pretty Freakin' American
Believes that Blazing Saddles should be taught in all primary school systems. Owns at least three forms of outdoor cooking apparatus -- charcoal grills, propane grills, and an offset horizontal smoker with an inlaid picture of a soaring bald eagle emblazoned on the face of the smoking chamber. Made David Hasselhoff apologize for bringing schnitzel to a picnic. Own a personal mobile command unit complete with six months of franks and beans provisions. Plan to colonize the moon and open a drive-thru Pizza Hut on it so that astronauts can stop in for pizza with cheese in the crust while on their way to fighting robots on one of Saturn's rings.
Penn State and Duke (2): Almost Pretty Freakin' American
Have voted in every election they've been eligible but have only cast ballots for the same write-in candidate for President -- Jason Bourne. Have found a way to weaponize bacon. Thinks that Ted Nugent's fu manchu should be named a National Historic Landmark. Plays ring toss with a toilet seat. Once went fishing in 2012 and came home with the catch of the day -- a German U-boat. Has a mailman that delivers their mail via potato gun. Puts road flares on their birthday cake instead of candles.
Colgate, Massachusetts, North Carolina, Ohio State, Salisbury, Syracuse, and UMBC (1): American
Are ardent intellectuals in the Smokey and the Bandit documentary series. Attempted to build a space ship in their backyard out of an old bathtub, a two-stroke engine from their weed trimmer, wit, and guile (achieving a record one second flight before taking speed-record achieving trip to the hospital to receive treatment for freedom burns). Seeking to get Slip 'n Slide recognized as an Olympic sport. Found encrypted in the Declaration of Independence a recipe for 'shine. Big fans of roundhouse kicks to the mouth that make their victims see stars and stripes. Have acknowledged the existence of Canada but are still skeptical of its viability as a nation because moose in America aren't allowed to vote or hold public office.
And in its own special category . . .
Army (1): American Shock and Awe
Noted American Garrett Thul doin' Noted American Garrett Thul things:
Noted American Garrett Thul did that to the United States Navy. Best of luck with all of that, you Canadian punks.