Detroit's Matt Holtz Resigns

The Titans are in the market for a new head coach.

Matt Holtz -- the only head coach that Detroit has known at the Division I level -- has resigned from his post with the Titans:

University of Detroit Mercy men's lacrosse coach Matt Holtz announced today (Friday, May 30) his resignation after six seasons as the Titans' head coach. Holtz compiled a 26-60 overall record and a 15-17 mark in MAAC play during his tenure.

"We appreciate Matt's efforts on behalf of Titan Athletics," said Director of Athletics Robert C. Vowels, Jr. "Matt has been a valuable member of the men's lacrosse program since its inception in 2009 and we wish him well in his future endeavors."

Holtz took the Titans from 0-11 in the team's inaugural season in 2009 to a MAAC Championship title game in 2011, before winning the conference title and earning an automatic bid into the NCAA Tournament in 2013.

The Titans finished their 2014 season 6-8 overall, 3-3 in conference play and reached the MAAC Semifinals for the fourth-straight season.

Detroit will begin a search for Holtz' replacement immediately.

Holtz was hired in September 2007 to build the Titans' lacrosse concern from scratch. Without a club team as a launch pad, Holtz was charged with creating what would become Detroit's program, entering Division I play in the 2009 season. Before joining the Titans, Holtz ran the Michigan State club team from 2005-2007. Prior to serving as the Spartans' head coach, Holtz served as the team's offensive coordinator from 1997-2005.

Even with Holtz's departure, there is good news for Detroit: As Holy Cross did not hire me (instead opting for Penn's Judd Lattimore), I am officially putting my name up for consideration for the Titans' head coaching job. Cover letter, ahoy!

Dear Mr. Vowels:

First, I would like to commend you on your surname but do take serious issue with the fact that it does not consist of an incomprehensible mish-mash of vowels. (I do, however, credit you for not having any Y's in your name, as Y is a duplicitous bastard that refuses to pick a side in the bloody battle between vowels and consonants.) I recommend that you go down to Detroit City Hall immediately and officially change your surname to "Aieouaei," as that would make you a hit on such revered cultural experiences like The Maury Povich Show, especially on "We Can't Make This Up!" episodes.

Second, if you have half a brain in your skull you should hire me as your next men's lacrosse head coach. I am well qualified for the position, mostly because I have developed a decided schematic advantage to destroy Detroit's opponents:

  1. We will scorch nets with our shots. This is due to the fact that I will outfit our players with flamethrowers with little lacrosse heads attached to the top. We'll run around the field burning our opposition into dust and then politely drop the ball in the net like pure gentlemen. Nobody will stop us, including local law enforcement and probably the national guard. This is a necessary function of our offensive gameplan: NO MAN LEFT UNIMMOLATED.
  2. I WILL DRINK THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES AND ASSUME THEIR POWERS!
  3. All defensive players will be wolves. Literally: I am going to recruit a vicious pack of wolves and unleash them on our opponents. You have no idea how organized a depraved pack of wild wolves are. As Rudyard Kipling so eloquently wrote:
      When ye fight with a Wolf of the Pack,
      ye must fight him alone and afar,
      Screw Marist, Siena, and all the rest,
      thy asses just got wolf-scarred.
    Please alert the admissions office that I demand that all recruits that are dangerous wolves not be required to sit for the ACT or SAT. They are great at violently killing things but do not have the ability to hold pencils or otherwise take tests.

Thank you for your time and consideration, Mr. Aieouaei. (See? The name is already growing on you!) I anxiously await your positive response.

Always,

Hoya Suxa

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