Trapped in the Elevator

Mitchell Layton

It's a lacrosse opera.

From ESPN's Anish Shroff:

 

 He looks at the elevator

I pull out my Baretta

He walks up to the elevator

He goes up to the elevator

Now he’s at the elevator

Damn he’s opening the elevator…

Some important thoughts about this picture:

  • I am unsure what the actual record is of teams that get trapped in an elevator the night before an NCAA Tournament game. It's not like teams go do their last film session and then it's time to get trapped in an elevator and call the local fire department. I'm working under the assumption that teams are officially 0-0, which means that the Red are in uncharted territory. These 16 bodies should be donated to science after the game to determine the consequence of being trapped in an elevator before a tournament game.
  • The blue light shining down from the top of the elevator probably means that these 16 players crossed over to the other side and had an alien encounter. This elevator was actually a door to the third dimension and OH MY GOD SOMEBODY CONTACT NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON! These players were likely comfortable crossing over into the unknown blue of space-time as a thumb's up -- the universal sign of "Okay, lil' space buddy!" -- is being given.
  • So, uh . . . why are a couple of these cats shirtsless and some in dress whites?
  • I don't see a certificate from the Bureau of Elevators so I'm not quite sure what the capacity of this particular elevator is. At 16 folks with an average weight of 180 pounds (ballparkin'), that's 2,880 pounds of Cornell in the elevator. Based on the California Department of Industrial Relations (I know, the Red's game is against Maryland, but that state's code was hard to find), the inside net platform area of the elevator needed to be 33.7 square feet or Cornell broke the law (maybe)!

UPDATE: The 16 players weight 2,997 pounds (that's like a Volkswagen of people!). Three pounds under the weight limit for the elevator. Crisis averted.

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