Tracking Rambo Kill Counts: Sorting Out the Bodies

Mark Konezny-USA TODAY Sports

What are the bodies that are comprising the body count?

J. Rambo wasn't just history's greatest reckless slaughterer. No, J. Rambo was (a) a highly-decorated tool of destruction, and (b) a damn fine American. His efforts in butchering the opposition wasn't impressive just because he totaled a high personal kill count; rather, it's the nature of those that he ruthlessly executed -- jerks, swine, and various enemies of The American DreamTM. His purpose -- freeing prisoners captured by Commies and enemies of the state, dropping Commies and enemies of the state for the simple sake of dropping Commies and enemies of the state, etc. -- was the underlying beauty of J. Rambo's existence. J. Rambo suffered personal conflict for the greater good (both internally and externally), and his massacring was a reflection of that.

Until today, we haven't examined M. Rambo's body count to determine whether he's been (a) a damn fine Terrapin, and (b) merely an individual on a crusade without greater purpose. Sorting through the bodies, it appears as if M. Rambo -- not unlike J. Rambo -- is both serving a greater good while finding personal enlightenment through the extermination of those that stand in his path:

Rambokillcount2014-8_medium

Some brief notes on this:

  • M. Rambo has racked up only four kills against potential Commies or Rooskies (against Stony Brook and Robert Morris, both featuring the red that absolutely identifies a son of the hammer and sickle). This is concerning as to whether his blood runs with the freedom that drove J. Rambo.
  • M. Rambo has not killed any good-for-nothing cops but has killed one Devil. That's probably a push in the sense of increasing the greater good.
  • I have not yet seen M. Rambo take a 50-caliber lacrosse stick and start shooting lacrosse balls at opposing goaltenders and defensemen and opposing players on the sideline in an attempt to score 100 goals in 30 seconds. If he's going to murder everything in sight like J. Rambo, this is a necessity.
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