Scouting Brutus Buckeye

Jared Wickerham

Ohio State's mascot has some skills, but what's his ceiling?

Brutus Buckeye -- Ohio State's mascot -- put on a skills display during halftime of the Michigan-Ohio State game a week or so ago:

This is important, mostly because a college lacrosse team has never actually used a mascot in a live lacrosse game. Ohio State -- based on Brutus' display -- could have an opportunity to change the entire paradigm of college lacrosse and recruiting, identifying mascots as legitimate contributors to a team's ability to score goals. This potential trend is not unlike the impact that Canadians have had on the college game, exploiting an otherwise ignored market and reaping significant rewards.

Scouting Report: Brutus Buckeye

Is a human?: Sort of. Brutus is a genetic experiment gone awry, crossing the DNA of a nut with that of a human. This is apparently the research that Ohio State's Department of Genetic Engineering is engaged in, flipping the bird directly at Ohio State's Department of Religion. This is not normal. In fact, I cannot think of another species on the planet that is half-human, half-nut. This could be a problem when it comes to eligibility as the NCAA tends to only permit humans to play sports in college (somebody call the Supreme Court!).

Awareness?: Clearly. In fact, this no-look, behind-the-back diving goal shows that Brutus may have had strains of the Thompson Trio's DNA included in its genetic makeup. Brutus' gigantic nut for a head may provide unknown levels of sonar detection, allowing Brutus to simply feel where he is and where his opponents are around the goal.

Health?: Somewhat questionable. Brutus may be invincible -- he hasn't aged despite being a half-human, half-nut -- but because his head is a gigantic nut, he does not appear able to wear sufficient head protection. This could lead to long-term issues due to the fact that a hat does not provide appropriate protection from a nut being cracked due to hits taken on the field. Importantly, though, Brutus' head is actually a nut and likely does not have brains stuffed inside, significantly lowering the potential for concussions.

Team player?: Look at this freakin' showboat. Ego issues may exist.

If he his head is smashed and the acid inside his head is extracted and put in the water jugs of your opponents, will those opponents be poisoned and, therefore, less likely to win a lacrosse game?: Yes. There is glory in death.

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