Tracking Rambo Kill Counts: It's Complicated

Mark Konezny-USA TODAY Sports

A mercenary is never truly alone.

First, an update of M. Rambo's kill count following his recent beheading of Duke:


(Click to have your face smashed in.)

M. Rambo lied in wait in the jungle, snapping clear the skulls of those that pursued him. It wasn't the fit of fury that J. Rambo is known for, but M. Rambo was patiently destructive while others opened fire in an atmosphere of chaos.

Second, an exchange of dialogue from the touching documentary, Rambo:

Sarah: You have family back home?
J. Rambo: Father, maybe. I don't know.

A mercenary must come from somewhere, even if that somewhere is often forgotten. M. Rambo -- not unlike J. Rambo -- is a reckless force of slaughtering power, but his flesh -- and desire for bloodlust -- is not exclusive: M. Rambo has a brother -- R. Rambo of Rutgers -- that also wants to make formalwear out of an enemy's skin.

How do these cultists to the ideal of wanton violence stack up in their massacring of real and perceived threats? Let's break it down:

Number of kills in 2014? 14 9 M. Rambo.
Where's a muddy bandana? No. No. Neither. Bandanas are the apex of killing headwear. Cascade needs to make one.
First name has as many letters as the first name of J. Rambo? Yes (4). Yes (4). A murderous tie.
Shot a guy with an arrow and watched that man explode for some reason? Probably (has served one penalty for 1 minute). Unlikely (has not served any penalty time this season). M. Rambo, with extreme prejudice.
Can effectively dodge and elude pursuers? Sort of. Definitely. (A midfielder is always on the move.) R. Rambo.
Is a special forces member? Probably. (Maryland wears Black Ops uniforms.) Unlikely. (Are Scarlet Knights some kind of honorary Canadian designation?) M. Rambo.

The tale of the blow-things-up tape doesn't lie: R. Rambo pushes the danger needle into the red, but M. Rambo -- at least right now -- is the more deadly of the two.

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