Tracking Rambo Kill Counts: There are no Friendly Civilians!

Mark Konezny-USA TODAY Sports

Is M. Rambo's destruction more interesting than J. Rambo's?

M. Rambo continued his unfettered campaign of destruction this past weekend, accumulating two kills against guerrillas known as "The Wildcats":


M. Rambo, though, hasn't eliminated mercenaries in quiet solitude this season, though. Unlike J. Rambo -- a man that generally used stealth to his advantage -- M. Rambo has done his slaughtering with spotlights directed at him. In fact, there are only a few other mercenaries in the wild that have had as many civilians witness his reckless massacring:

Syracuse 13,782 1 4,594 1 9.33% 36 3
Virginia 9,325 2 3,108 2 38.85% 12 3
Maryland 9,005 3 2,251 4 4.09% 45 4
Johns Hopkins 8,215 4 2,054 5 24.16% 21 4
Cornell 7,928 5 1,982 6 N/A N/A 4
Loyola 7,119 7 2,373 3 39.55% 10 3

That chart -- limited to theaters of assault ranked in the top five of accumulated and average number of civilians observing brutal acts of man while avoiding collateral damage -- indicates something important: M. Rambo's ruthless behavior is as notable as that of J. Rambo's exploits in one of his more important documentaries -- Rambo:

  • The average movie ticket price in 2008 -- the year that Rambo debuted -- was $7.18. A general admission ticket (for an adult) to watch M. Rambo bust skulls is $10 for any battle that doesn't involve Duke or Virginia; fights involving Duke or Virginia rise to $15 for the same right to be horrified. There is greater value in the emotionless killing that M. Rambo employs than J. Rambo.
  • Assuming that Maryland sold nothing but general admission tickets for Maryland's three explosion-filled nightmares this season, $38,442 was realized per skirmish. Rambo only realized about $6,617 per theater in its opening weekend.
  • In its opening weekend, Rambo averaged about 922 people per theater ($18,203,876 total gross divided by 2,715 theaters equals $6,617 per theater. $6,617 divided by $7.18 equals about 922 people per theater that opening weekend (about 307 people per day).) M. Rambo has pulled hearts directly from chests in front of an average of 2,251 civilians for its four experiences in bloodlust.

This is haunting stuff, people.

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