There's no question that Division I lacrosse head coaches work hard for their universities. There is a question as to whether they're using their current positions as a stepping stone to launching a global terroristic effort that ruins world markets for personal gain or fires lasers at Earth to cause worldwide panic or attempts to overthrow the governments of sovereign nations to consolidate power. This is a legitimate concern, you guys, and there are a handful of head coaches that strike me as likely supervillains based solely on their names.Using the James Bond documentaries as a guide -- You thought the James Bond films were fiction? Are you nuts?! You have no idea how close Earth has succumbed to supervillains. Without James Bond we'd all be doomed! -- it's fairly easy to identify people that are bad news. Villains in the James Bond documentaries always have nefarious names, and nine Division I lacrosse head coaches are potentially or definitely plotting some form of worldwide terror. Here's the breakdown.
Potentially a Supervillain
Kevin Warne -- Georgetown
His surname gives him away. You can't walk around with a name like Warne and not have contacts that can quickly build you a compound in the desert to allow you to crash surveillance satellites into the moon.
Guy Van Arsdale -- Jacksonville
More like Guy Van Trouble. Van Arsdale probably has acquired a tactical nuclear weapon that he's storing in his underwater headquarters in the Atlantic Ocean.
Joseph Amplo -- Marquette
"Amplo." That name is pure, aggressive evil. It's highly likely that the Marquette head coach has blueprints for a laser that can cut through elementary schools and incinerate teachers making $35,000 per year. Just for fun, of course.
Taylor Wray -- St. Joseph's
Supervillains can have names that sound like they went to an elite New England prep school. Wray is possibly putting together a plan to ruin the Florida orange market by screwing up weather patterns.
Dominic Starsia -- Virginia
Is he constructing Moon Base Destruction? Probably.
Eric Seremet -- Air Force
On his yacht off of Monaco, Seremet is surrounded by his henchman, drinking champagne and toasting his eventual overthrow of European powers by driving down the value of the Euro through the forceful adoption of his "Not working is better than working" public policy in France.
Definitely a Supervillain
Brian Voelker -- Drexel
Owns a submarine. Owns a flamethrower. Lives in a facility in the Alps that may or may not have a world map on the wall with blinking lights on the globe's biggest cities. This is a bad egg and the scary part is that nobody even knows who works for him or what his plans are. Is he planning on shooting chemicals into the atmosphere to block out the sun and kill all plant life, thus making his cache of oxygen tanks invaluable? Anything is possible.
Frank Fedorjaka -- Bucknell
Works from an island in the Caribbean but has a skin condition that doesn't allow him to spend more than 30 seconds in sunlight. Wears sunglasses all the time, even at night when he eats lavish meals prepared by his robot servants. Has developed a machine that fires concentrated magnetic forces at major industrial centers to turn them into rubble, thereby increasing the value of his industrial holdings. Smokes a pipe.
The Ultimate Supervillain
Lars Tiffany -- Brown
I don't even with this name. Ernst Stavro Blofeld and Emilio Largo are nothing compared to Lars Tiffany. Tiffany is probably the reason that Justin Bieber exists, which is the cruelest plot of them all.