I was screwing around with YouTube the other day -- you can't watch 25 different versions of MC5's Kick Out the Jams without putting in the effort, son (and, for what it's worth, The Presidents of the United States of America still have the best cover of that chart) -- and came across that video for Canisius lacrosse. I have (a) only a somewhat clear idea of who this is intended for (importantly: not me), and (b) no idea what this is supposed to be for (other than simply existing as propaganda), but that doesn't matter. What matters is that this is weapon-grade propaganda, and, therefore, ripe for consumption and nitpicking.
Let's break this down.
0:11: GOAL! Canisius would score six other goals that day against Cornell. The Big Red would score 18. The highlight ratio here isn't quite in lock-step with reality.
0:14 "We're looking for a championship, and I'm confident that we can win it." Book it: Canisius is winning the American League East Division in 2014.
0:20: "The Canisius College men's lacrosse program has become a perennial contender." For? Are the Griffins secretly a hardcore competitive eating concern that nobody knows about, lurking in the shadows as an heir to Joey Chestnut's throne? Yes, definitely. This is without dispute.
0:55: "In 2013, the Golden Griffins played top 20 teams Denver, Cornell, and Syracuse." Only one other team can assert this: Hobart. The Statesmen are the only program to actually claim a win against any of those three teams in 2013, though.
1:18: "I'm out from Western Canada, and I had no idea what to expect." Well, unlike Canada, we have electricity here in the States and it doesn't snow all the time. But, at its core, America is basically like Canada but totally awesome in every way possible and you don't have to stop and ask moose for directions. I know transitioning from one country that has commuting tobagan lanes to one with vehicles that run on the magic of petroleum can be frightening and weird, but just hold onto your toque and hope for the best.
2:21: I'm just noticing this now: Where's all the information and pictures about the impossibly-disgusting feets of snow that suffocate Buffalo? All I see are sun-drenched days and flowers and stuff. Maybe if this propaganda was more on target D.J. Giacobbo would have had a better idea of what to expect in freakin' Buffalo.
2:57: "Canisius offers a complete student life experience." Booooooooooooooring. I only care about three things: (1) Topless Tuesdays? (2) When's chicken nugget day in the dining hall? (3) Are crayons an acceptable writing utensil?
3:33: We're three minutes into this thing without any explicit taunting of Siena and Binghamton. This propaganda needs better propaganding. I demand that Randy Mearns sacrifice a live bearcat during this video before it ends.
3:55: Randy Mearns is sporting a nice, natural, and healthy orange tan. I'm assuming that his interview was shot in a local quarantine facility, put in place for victims of nuclear blasts?