The Return of the Alternate Universe Paul Finebaum Show

Patrick Smith

It's August 1st, which means Paul Finebaum's back on the radio. No, not to talk SEC football, but rather to quell rumors that he sabotaged Johns Hopkins' season and whatnot.

Right as the 2013 lacrosse season was about to begin, something went terribly wrong in the alternate universe. Paul Finebaum, a mainstay on WLAX in Baltimore and simulcast on many Northeastern and Mid-Atlantic radio stations, decided it was time to leave for greener pastures. He found that with some ESPN Radio affiliate, which also gives him access to show up on ESPNU on a whim or something. That move meant a non-compete clause kicked in that prevented lacrosse fans from getting their PAAAAAAWWWWWWLLLLLLLL. That is, until now.

/Machinehead Starts Blasting Out

LIVE and now on ESPN RADIO, it's the man the college lacrosse experts turn to. He's the guy who coaches love to hate, who players fear as they want to avoid getting an underage drinking ticket so he doesn't publicly talk about it, and who fans want to vent their rage at. It's none other than PAUL FINEBAUM, here on THE PAUL FINEBAUM SHOW.

Well, well, well. Did y'all miss me? I guess the sport of college lacrosse survived, so we've got plenty to talk about here on my first day back. Sure, we've got Quint on today to break down the hottest Class of 2018 recruits and a special interview with Rob Pannell. But we know why you're here, and I'm going to give a little gift to you. We'll start the show with your phone calls. And the lucky first phone caller is Dave in Bowie, Maryland. Dave, what do you have to say?

Hey PAAAAAAAWWWWLLLLLLLLL it's about damn time you showed back up. I'll tell you why. The one season you're not on the radio, Johns Hopkins doesn't make the tournament. And let me tell you, living by the water tells me that if something smells fishy, there's gonna be some fish.

Well, it is all a strange coincidence that, yes, Johns Hopkins missed it when I wasn't around, but as everyone outside of College Park knows, I'm not on Johns Hopkins' payroll. (/smirks)

WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ISSAA CONSPIRASAAAYYYY PPAWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLL. YOU SABOTAGED THE JAYS' SEASON JUST SO YOUR COMPETITION'S RATINGS WOULD PLUMMET KNOWING DAMN WELL GUYS LIKE ME WOULD CALL IN THE FIRST DAY BACK IN DROVES YOU SNEAKY WEASEL! THAT'S A DAMN SHAME TO ALL THOSE YOUNG MEN ON THAT TEAM AND YOU SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR WHATEVER YOU CONSPIRED WITH PETROT BACK IN FEBRUARY BECAUSE KNOW WE ALL KNOW THE REAL REASON WHY YOU TOOK OFF! I'MA HANG UP AND LISSEN ROOOLLLLLLL DAMN HOP

Let's get this over and done with. No, I did not sabotage Johns Hopkins' 2013 season in any way, shape, or form. I was enjoying my month off getting settled with the folks at ESPN, taking a nice ski trip to Utah in March, and lounging around watching lacrosse games on my laptop. So don't worry Hopkins fans, I didn't do anything to you guys. And sorry Maryland fans, I'm not a mole for your school either. Speaking of which, we've now got one of our favorite Terp callers, Kyle from Landover. How you've been?

Much better now that you're back PAAAAAAWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLL. Anyway, props to the Terps this past season. I know we didn't make it out of the first round but that's because the NCAA screwed us over and made us face the Rob Pannell show. Buncha crooks in Hopkins' back pocket and shut up about missing the tournament that was all a cover. Anyhoo, I'm getting kinda lost by this conference realignment deal and I'm not that happy about the move to the Big Ten. I mean, Michigan? Rutgers? And we're moving out of the best conference in the nation who's only getting better with Notre Dame and Syracuse joining. *sigh* Can you make sense of this?

Well, as much as we'd like to admit lacrosse runs the show, it's football. And the Big Ten's looking to expand their cable foothold or whatever and that's why Maryland's going. It's not all bad, it's really going to help the growth of the sport in the Midwest with the Big Ten brand name and the Maryland-Hopkins rivalry now has conference games to look forward to, meaning -- hint, hint -- the best rivalry in the game probably twice a year with an automatic bid on the line.

Man, I'd love to knock out your Jays from the tournament for official sakes. Well, I'll get back to you on this one. I'm still kinda in a state of shock and whatnot over the move, but hey, if it's us and Hopkins running the show I'll be fine with that. Later, PAWWWWWLLLLLLLL.

Thanks, Kyle. Glad to hear from you. Next we're going on Long Island with Hunter in Port Washington. Hunter, what's up?

Hey Paul.

Well, that's different...

Yeah, well.. you know who needs a college lacrosse team?

Who do you think, Hunter?

Oregon.

You know what, you might be onto something. They started a women's lacrosse program and of course they've got Nike for a bottomless money pit and it would grow the game out we...

Yeah, Oregon because their uniforms would be like the most balling things on the face of the planet. Just straight swaggin' in those chrome color changing helmets and Nike will make a jersey for every different game and they'll just look so fresh. I mean, don't get me wrong. Duke's black uniforms are dope and Princeton's got some hella tight threads and when Syracuse wore that grey they were looking so fire. Don't get me wrong, I respect teams like Cornell kicking it old school and making a way to look classy in those. But Oregon would just be SWAG SWAG SWAG.

I have no idea what the hell you are talking about right now. Instead, we'll go to Mindy in apparently a summer home in the Outer Banks. Mindy?

Hey PAWWWWLLLLLLL I think I'm going through college lacrosse offseason syndrome in the worst way this season, especially without you around. I've had to resort to writing lacrosse fan fiction.(WRITER'S NOTE: Totally not like what this is. Not at all... /runs)

Fan fiction?

Yeah, you know, when you make stories involving things already made but you use your imagination and create new worlds and whatnot. So I made one for lacrosse.

And what would be your fan fiction, Mindy?

That I'm on some reality show where I get to pick the most handsome lacrosse player in the world, you know, like "The Bachelorette," and the final's a really tough one because Duke's got so many cute guys on their team but then Tom Schreiber's there too so it's like do I give the rose to one of the remaining Dukies or do I go against my favorite team and pick him? Oh my god it's so tough that I still haven't figured out which way I'm going to go.

Well, don't hesitate to keep me in the dark. I need a little sanity before I go to break. Carl in Jamesville, what do you have for us?

Hey PAAAWWWLLLLLLLLLL I'ma make this quick to make your new advertisers happy. That national championship game proved Desko can't keep up with the times as Cuse's faceoff problems finally caught up and we got straight up destroyed by that Fowler kid. Considering everyone under the sun, or I guess snow up here hehe, knew back in February we needed a faceoff guy, AND MR. DESKO DIDN'T GIVE US ONE, he needs to hit the road and Doc Gross needs to find another one of those Simmonds guys to return us to glory. That's all I got.

Aaahhh, everything's back to normal. More after this.

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