Conference Realignment: Welcome to the [Insert Conference Here], [Insert Conference Member Here]!

Jeremy Brevard-US PRESSWIRE

It was all fun and games until the initiation processes were announced.

It's been all over the Twitter machine today:

That's right: It's "My New Boyfriend is Sooooooooo Much Better Than You Ever Were to Me" Day! Schools are on the move today, leaving old places that they bitterly complained about for new planes in which they'll eventually bitterly complain about. It's the ciiiiiiiiiiiircle of life! I could be wrong here (correct me if I am), but I count a handful of important or otherwise notable lacrosse affiliations that officially changed today that impacts the 2014 season:

  • NEC: Adds Hobart, giving the league the requisite six members to having a petting zoo and a clown making balloon animals and Tommy's mom bought pizza rolls!
  • MAAC: Adds Quinnipiac and Monmouth, the latter of which never even played a game in the Northeast Conference.
  • ACC: Adds Syracuse and Notre Dame, helping form a destruction machine that the military is attempting to weaponize.
  • Patriot: Adds Loyola and Boston University, the latter of which will enter its first season of play in 2014.
  • Big East: Repurposes Georgetown, St. John's, Marquette (presumably as a real-deal full member in 2014 that even has access to the conference's discount code at L.L. Bean), Villanova, and Providence to the iteration of the league that currently claims a static splash page as the entirety of its web existence. Denver's assumedly an associate member of the league today as well.
  • Atlantic Sun: I guess this is a real lacrosse thing today? There's nothing on the league's website yet, but the lacrosse concern for the conference starts in February. Jacksonville and VMI depart the MAAC for the league, while Mercer, High Point, Furman, and Richmond fill out the rest of the roster for 2014.

The simple changes in affiliation aren't all that interesting, though; what's interesting is the initiation processes that all of these schools will need to go through in the coming days and weeks. Did you think that the MAAC would simply add two teams without testing their loyalty? Did you think that the Patriot League would give Loyola and Boston University keys to the house without first making them do some stupid stuff for laughs? You thought wrong, mister. Way wrong. Here's the lowdown on some of the hazing that these leagues will make their new pals go through, all delivered to College Crosse through unimpeachable anonymous sources:

  • NEC: Hobart is in charge of putting together the beach volleyball tournament with the Deltas and if they screw it up Robert Morris -- the Colonials swear to God! -- is going to make Hobart wear a saran wrap toga at the next social.
  • MAAC: Manhattan is going to make Quinnipiac eat a coffee can full of worms because "WORM BOY! EAT ALL THE WORMS, WORM BOY! YEAH, YOU LIKE WORMS! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A 'CONNECTICUT' IS, WORM BOY!" Siena is planning on making Monmouth chug milk and tickle them until the milk comes out of their nose. Siena isn't even going to clean it up because that's a freshman's job, duh.
  • ACC: Syracuse and Notre Dame will need to sit on the couch and watch Scarface for 20 straight hours without a bathroom break while wearing footy pajamas because reasons.
  • Patriot: Loyola has to make sure that Holy Cross always has a fresh beer and also needs to address Colgate as "Sir." Boston University has to live in the attic and is on bathroom duty for six months because they couldn't recite the Greek alphabet backwards while having Doritos dust blown into their eyes.
  • Big East: The legacy members of the league are going to make Denver steal Notre Dame and Syracuse's mascots because we-hate-those-guys-and-their-house-isn't-even-that-cool-anyway.
  • Atlantic Sun: There is no initiation. They just need the dues.
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