A More Perfect Union

Jason Szenes

Conference SB Nation is the future.

Is your league falling apart? Has conference realignment left your universe shattered, devoid of purpose and fulfillment? Then I have a great opportunity for you: Join Conference SB Nation,1 your path to lacrosse enlightenment in advance of the assured decomposition of the current volition of conference realignment, leaving only nothingness before the select in Conference SB Nation reshape college lacrosse after returning to Earth following the robot apocalypse.2

Conference SB Nation is a new, forward-looking effort, featuring the best competition3 that college lacrosse can provide. It's a league that's built on love and enduring, meaningful relationships4 that can both withstand the impacts of conference realignment and the skull-crushing effects of robots looking to assume ownership of Earth through violence and other anti-human behavior, mining the planet for their own purposes.5 Conference SB Nation doesn't delineate between the "haves" and the "have nots,"6 believing in a new social-lacrosse model that supports the whole over an exclusive few.7 There is pain now, but Conference SB Nation is your salvation: a paradise that will stand the test of time.8

Join Conference SB Nation today!9 Choose your own destiny!10

________

1 Conference SB Nation is not a cult.
2 Well, it's sort of a cult.
3 Money laundering.
4 There are mandatory duels at dawn every morning to thin the herd and leave only the strong and spiritually sound.
5 Duh.
6 All are equal in the eyes of Conference SB Nation, as nobody should be denied the opportunity to ingest cyanide-laced fruit drinks in order to leave behind the anarchy of conference realignment and remain at a higher plane during the robot apocalypse before returning to assume what has been promised: domination of college lacrosse and free Carvel ice cream for (our second) life.
7 Except, of course, for that whole mandatory-duels-at-dawn thing designed to thin the herd and create a sense of fear. But don't worry about that.
8 If you defect from Conference SB Nation (remember: not a cult (sort of)!), Conference SB Nation will alert the robots of your existence and let the robots know of all the RAM that you're hoarding.
9 We really need the dues.
10 Before the robots choose it for you.

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