Let’s Solve Lacrosse Mysteries!

Jim McIsaac

Everyone pile into the College Crosse Mystery Machine!

There are all kinds of mysteries in college lacrosse this season. Let's solve some of them.

MYSTERY I

Mystery: How is Indianapolis hosting a quarterfinals doubleheader despite being located in a state with only one Division I school?

Clues: Midwestern growth of the game; Notre Dame doing that winking thing and elbow-nudge thing to a guy in a fancy suit who does that evil laugh thing; Chicago claims that Indianapolis put Boston’s head in its bed; the air smells like deep fried everything.

Solution: After being pursued in a low-speed chase by a human-like ear of corn riding a tractor, it all came together: That nogoodnik Dr. Angus Agriculturecutty was using the NCAA men’s lacrosse championship as a way to make New York City believe that west of New Jersey isn’t Russia. I foiled him good!

MYSTERY II

Mystery: What did Bill Tierney eat for breakfast this morning?

Clues:

Solution: Whatever the hell he damn well pleases.

MYSTERY III

Mystery: The disappearance of Maryland schools from the NCAA Tournament.

Clues: People are pretending that the Preakness is a real thing that matters (without saying, “Psych!”); Towson’s body was found without a head with “Michigan is icky!” etched into its chest; a note was found in Charley Toomey’s handwriting with “Timeout? More like ‘Aw crap-out!’” scribbled on it; a laboratory in College Park, Maryland – with beakers billowing with white smoke and electrical sparks crackling in the background – is working on a time travel machine with the destination being 1975.

Solution: After being haunted by dreams of faces with satisfied smug grins, it all became clear: It was Dr. Johnny Hopkins – that jealous lover! – that set this all up, poisoning the Maryland teams’ water jugs with his special medical poisoning knowledge. What a dastardly villain!

MYSTERY IV

Mystery: What does this mean?

Clues: A statement that is structurally incomplete, grammatically unsound, and lacking in punctuation; likely sent from the greater Milwaukee area, a great place to live if misery is part of your enjoyment; seems like a cover up for some truly un-American activity given associated knowledge gleaned from fellow Marquette staffer, Scotty Rodgers:

Solution: Marquette lacrosse is a sleeper cell of Russian spies! It’s true: Everything west of New Jersey is Russia! No American would fail to know the difference between avocados and artichokes – duh, Subway’s avocado sandwich is the number one dietary meal for all true Americans that get all of their dietary suggestions from television commercials featuring Blake Griffin not dunking on and over stuff – and the overt connection between Orsen and Rodgers brings everything together. I’ve seen that Felicity show on FX featuring Russian agents; this is just the next step – using America’s fastest growing sport as a vehicle to overthrow democracy.

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