College lacrosse is pretty great as it is, but that doesn't mean that it can't receive a few tweaks to make it the best thing on Earth. While the game has grown over the last decade at an incredible rate and more eyeballs are fixated on college lacrosse than ever before, the game isn't going to get where it needs to go if it doesn't get a bit of a tune-up. Luckily, I'm here to provide some important recommendations to make college lacrosse indomitably terrific.
Ready? Let's go!
RECOMMEDATION I: OPERATION AMAZING
Here's what needs to happen: People love lacrosse; people also love animals that do human things. Combine the two! I want officials that are actually grizzly bears in pork pie hats that chomp on cigars and wear smart red vests. Now, this may potentially lead to the loss of hundreds of human lives, but you have to crack some eggs to make an omelet. Live grizzly bears doing human things while still being grizzly bears as they eat humans is great sporting theater, and I think that the game is ready for this development (medical personnel are standing by). The added bonus, of course, is that the game will be in constant motion as players will be running in fear for their lives throughout the game's 60 minutes. So, pace of play gets a boost and fans get to see grizzly bears act like humans. A win-win if I've ever heard of one.
RECOMMEDATION II: OPERATION THE FLOOR IS LAVA
Make the playing field a flowing river of lava + Give all players hoverboards = Make a sack of money big enough to buy more playing fields that are rivers of lava and hoverboards. You're welcome.
RECOMMEDATION III: OPERATION WEST SIDE STORY
I think we've all been in this situation before: You're watching Manhattan and Wagner throw Fluffernutters at each other for 60 minutes only to see regulation end in a tie and overtime patiently waiting to begin. You don't want to watch that, college boy. You've seen all you need to see -- this is eventually going to end with the field crew upset that happy hour is getting pushed back a few anguishing minutes. How do you solve this problem? Easy: All overtime periods -- regardless of the quality of game or the competitiveness of the combatants (because equality is the American way) -- are now decided via dance fighting. Seahawks! Jaspers! Crazy! Cool! Rumble at the playground!
Plus, this really draws a university community together, melding the athletics department with the visual and performing arts program. That's interdisciplinary learning/competition, pals and gal pals, and that's what college is all about.
RECOMMEDATION IV: OPERATION PERFECT TELEVISION
Obviously, Supermarket Sweep is the greatest show ever invented. (If you're not familiar with Supermarket Sweep (1) you're wasting your life, and (2) it’s kind of like a trivia show but involves racing around a grocery store as if it were the last day of existence.) So this is what happens: Supermarket Sweep during the game. Now, my original idea -- Monster Jam during a lacrosse game -- is still a better idea but the insurance costs would be through the roof. But, if you combine a housewife running around a lacrosse field that also doubles as a grocery store while looking for Cream of Wheat and hoping to not get her head unscrewed from her neck by an errant Brian Megill check, you have television gold, my friend. "And Janie has the watermelon but no! That's probably going to be a concussion! She should've looked out for that Mike Sawyer shot! Right in the kisser! So, the score is Janie -- 0; Loyola -- 1; Maryland -- 3. We'll be right back after these messages."