When I'm not writing epic pieces of college lacrosse-focused prose, I spend my weekdays working in the exciting (and surprisingly nudity-preferred) world of state and local taxation. My days are filled with all kinds of interesting things -- corporate acquisitions, finding out about new products and services before they're released, firing people, etc. -- but the most riveting aspect of my job is dealing with audits and state auditors. There are a few tricks I've picked up over the years to avoid a painful state and local audit, and with Tax Day looming on Monday (you should probably get on that, knucklehead), here are some tips you can follow to avoid having an auditor ruin your life:
- Do not print your tax return on toilet paper and send the roll in with a big sack of nickels as payment. That's definitely on the "Audit This Dumbass!" list.
- Do not sign your tax return in your own blood. Always use someone else's blood. That way the state will audit that still-bleeding clown instead of you.
- Claiming that you're "a student of life" does not open up all kinds of education and tuition-related deductions. If you try and write off your potato gun as a physics experiment, things will not work out well for you.
- Always list your profession as "Celebrity (Non-Wesley Snipes Category)." Celebrities never get audited unless they were in Blade. It's a fact.
- Always mail your tax return with candy corn. Candy corn is your secret handshake with auditors. It lets them know that you're good people with solid taste in candy.
Anyway, there are three games today with action starting this evening and extending through business time tonight. Here are your highlights for the day:
- All of Them: It's a hell of a slate tonight, people. Virginia-Duke kicks things off, and Ryan put together a nice lil' infograph on the game for you guys. The Cavaliers are fighting for their postseason life at this point and a loss against the Devils likely shuts down any overtures that Virginia has towards May. In New Haven, the Elis get a date with Brown just over 24 hours after Yale's hockey team advanced to the national championship game. While Handsome Dan may be most excited about what the Bulldogs are doing on the ice, Andy Shay has a nice little thing going on the lacrosse field and a strong showing against Bruno puts Yale both in a nice position in the Ivy League race and further bolsters their national relevance. Finally, out in Pennsyltucky, Lehigh and Bucknell will lock horns in Lewisburg to determine which program will have the opportunity to fly the Patriot League flag over their field for the conference's postseason tournament. Bus rides are for the Proletariat, and the opportunity to never leave home hinges on the outcome tonight.
Here's today's full schedule with links to things so that you can monitor the carnage (Wagner isn't in action today because the rainbow factory is requiring all of its workers to work overtime):
Leave your notes about the games or anything else (QUERY: SNIPER! EVERYBODY DOWN!) in the comments below.