It's only the first full week of March and 87 percent of Division I teams have won a game. Reverse Survivor weeps.
Not all Reverse Survivor participants are created equally. You see, Reverse Survivor takes two classes of participants -- bad teams (the lifeblood of Reverse Survivor), and teams that aren't necessarily bad but, for whatever reason, have been allergic to victories to start the season (the velvety elixir of Reverse Survivor). This year's competition is a great illustration of that weird constitution -- eight teams remain without a Division I victory, and if I'd told you prior to the start of the season that a team or team in this bunch would be in contention for Reverse Survivor honors on March 7, 2013, without a victory, you'd have probably lit me on fire with your immolation torch (patent pending).
Rather than try to do a silly analysis to try and determine when one of these currently winless teams will next drink from the cup of victory (a pewter growler which stands in contrast to the cup of data entry, which is plastic and says "Lehigh Elementary, Class of '76"), I'm going to do something really important: Compare these teams to modes of transportation. This is very valuable information; please consume this material with extreme caution as it may make your brain explode.
Next Opponent: Drexel -- March 9th
If a Mode of Transportation, What Mode of Transportation?: A rocket ship with a leaky fuel cell. Originally destined for space, the transport is just sitting on the launch pad, billowing weird smoke and potentially existing as a billion-dollar missile that could explode at any second if things aren't fixed. Luckily, engineers are on the scene and are waiting for the weather to clear a little bit so that the candle can be lit.
Next Opponent: Albany -- March 9th
If a Mode of Transportation, What Mode of Transportation?: A jet ski in the middle of the ocean during "Hurricane Ruin Jet Skis in the Middle of the Ocean" (weird name for a hurricane, I know). It wasn't meant to navigate these kinds of waters; when it comes back to a calmer area, things should work properly (and not pitch its passengers into the drowning abyss).
Next Opponent: Marist -- March 16th
If a Mode of Transportation, What Mode of Transportation?: An El Camino with no doors and a pile of scrap metal loaded into the back. It's ugly, man, but it's still running. There's some usefulness to it, but it needs repairs really bad -- you don't even want to hear the muffler (or lack thereof) on the thing -- and I'm not even sure where you can find leaded gasoline to make it go.
Next Opponent: Siena -- March 9th
If a Mode of Transportation, What Mode of Transportation?: A tricycle with no wheels. Just a bunch of bent metal that is going nowhere very slowly. Putting some wheels on the thing would probably help, but I wouldn't use to travel great distances.
Next Opponent: Hobart -- March 9th
If a Mode of Transportation, What Mode of Transportation?: A Tesla engulfed in flames. Great potential and may be an incredible feat of craftsmanship and engineering in a while, but problems with the power plant after rushing into production has made leaving the garage a difficult task. Driving it exclusively on rally car courses has exacerbated the issue.
Sacred Heart (0-4)
Next Opponent: Providence -- March 9th
If a Mode of Transportation, What Mode of Transportation?: A covered wagon riddled with arrows from angry natives sick of the new settlers. If the pioneers could just find a clearing to establish a settlement, they may be able to defend themselves a little bit. Also: Dysentery is breaking out.
Next Opponent: Wagner -- March 12th
If a Mode of Transportation, What Mode of Transportation?: Your friend's shoulders after you've had way too much to drink and think that a piggy-back ride is a great idea. This isn't going to end well.
Next Opponent: Mercer -- March 9th
If a Mode of Transportation, What Mode of Transportation?: Two broken feet. OH GOD THE PAIN WHY AM I WALKING RIGHT NOW ALSO WHY AM I NOT IN A HOSPITAL THIS WAS INCREDIBLY STUPID OUCHIES OH GOD MAKE IT ALL STOP