USA TODAY Sports
It's like I don't even know you anymore, Wagner.
There are only a few things in life that I can hold on to as constants, grounding me in reality as comforting reminders that the world isn't going to spin into the sun:
- Despite the fact that hyper-nuclear wings have a unique and disastrous impact on my constitution, I will continue to eat them and be reminded that my body functions in an over-accelerated manner to rid it of what it believes to be poison.
- A restaurant that offers ostrich as a meat option for your organic burger is the apex of the human condition and levels the consequence of the first point.
- Wagner will always remain in Reverse Survivor contention as one of the last Division I teams (excluding new programs) to win a game against another Division I opponent.
With Wagner's defeat of VMI yesterday in soggy Staten Island, my core is shaken. I can reconcile Hartford's defeat of Siena last Saturday; the Hawks have been the kind of bad that makes you sympathize with their situation. Hartford, though, hasn't been the kind of bad this season that makes your chest hurt and compels you to send a condolences card and something from Edible Arrangements. Wagner, contrastingly, has been that kind of bad, not only this year but in preceding seasons (College Crosse has been bestowing Reverse Survivor honors since 2011; Wagner was crowned champion both seasons (including a winless effort in 2011)).
And now Wagner is out of the running for top Reverse Survivor honors -- in mid-March -- with six teams still devoid of a Gatorade bath event. Somebody needs to hold me; I'm scared. (Also: Congratulations the size of a Staten Island girl's hair to Wagner on the win. The Seahawks haven't won a game this early in the year since they dropped Presbyterian on March 3, 2009. (Miss you, Blue Hose!))
Alas, Reverse Survivor must soldier on without its favorite son. Six teams remain winless -- Bryant, Canisius, Detroit, Michigan, Sacred Heart, and VMI -- and let's be honest here: If VMI doesn't win this thing someone is going to have some explaining to do.
Next Opponent: Albany
Chance of Victory: I never expected the Bulldogs to be in Reverse Survivor at all, nevermind this long. Even though Albany has played light years better than Bryant so far this season, Mike Pressler is overdue for a good win. I'll say the gut-driven odds are decent, akin to me eating chicken wings this weekend and keeping the toilet paper industry in business.
Next Opponent: VMI
Chance of Victory: After what Canisius almost did to Albany last week and how the Griffs played against Hobart, Canisius taking a tire iron to VMI's face seems fairly reasonable. I'll have googly Muppet eyes if the Golden Griffins don't beat the Keydets.
Next Opponent: Marist
Chance of Victory: Unlikely, treading on North-Korea-will-put-a-donkey-in-space territory. Don't feel bad, though, Titans fans: VMI makes a trip to Michigan on the 23rd for a Reverse Survivor-off.
Next Opponent: Fairfield
Chance of Victory: Well, the weather is getting nicer in Ann Arbor these days, right?
Sacred Heart (0-5)
Next Opponent: Stony Brook
Chance of Victory: I'll say this: The Pioneers hung around with a pretty good Providence team last weekend, and Stony Brook hasn't been a crushing force of humanity this season. However, the Seawolves would need to suffer major trauma to the skull for Sacred Heart to win. That's not good for the Pioneers as, last time I checked with the National Health Institute, major head trauma isn't really going around.
Next Opponent: Canisius
Chance of Victory: Tell 'em, Archer.