We're pretty sure this man's never stepped on the Johns Hopkins University campus. In this reoccuring segment, however, he has.
PAWWWWLLLLLLL is back to taking calls about lacrosse. Brace yourself.
Believe it or not, we're just a month away from hot college lacrosse action (except, more likely than not, in places like Hamilton or Geneva, New York, it's not exactly "hot"). That means the alternate-universe Paul Finebaum Show is getting more and more calls with the growing anticipation of a new season. And it's just like any other time of the year when it comes to the content of the calls he receives.
/"Machinehead" Blasts Out
"He's been named one of Inside Lacrosse's Top 15 Most Important Stories of the Past 15 Years . . .
Loyola University continues to send him gift baskets to remind him they actually won the national title instead of Johns Hopkins or Maryland . . .
Penn State head coach Jeff Tambroni calls him "one of the most entertaining figures in the sport" . . .
Broadcasting throughout the lacrosse hotbeds of the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic, this is the Paul Finebaum Radio Network."
Paul: You know... I've been getting some angry e-mails from Auburn fans. Well, next time win more than 2 games. Sorry the Tide can't make up for your pitfalls. I digress, welcome to today's show where we'll talk some lacrosse. Kind of a slow day news-wise as we wait on ESPN to come out with their schedule for the upcoming season, so how about we start this show with some phone calls. Let's go to Jeff in Jersey, you're our first caller.
Jeff: HEY I HEARD THEY'RE HAVING A LACROSSE GAME AT CITI FIELD. MIGHT HAVE MORE SCORING THERE THAN THE METS WITH THAT HURRRRRRR GO YANKEES
Paul: Jeff, I think you meant to call Mike Francesa's show and not mine. Bill in Alexandria, you're up.
Bill: Hey PAWWLLLL I just wanted to say with all this realignment madness going on, Georgetown would benefit. Alright, hear me out on this. Catholic 7 league. No Notre Dame. No Syracuse. I mean, we finally got a NCAA Tournament bid then, right?
Paul: I wish I could say that for the Hoyas but the fact of the matter is all these recruiting classes, all these expectations, and the Hoyas year-in and year-out disappoint. And you look at Villanova and the steps St. John's has taken and it's no sure fire bet that Georgetown's automatically in a position to make the tournament just because the Irish and Orange left.
Bill: Oh, man you got that right. I think I've cut myself multiple times reading about our recruiting classes being top five and then doing nothing. You can call me the lacrosse emo with that you know what I mean?
Paul: Wait, you cut yourself?
Bill: Yeah, I mean I was thinking at least getting rid of Notre Dame and those a-holes in Canada, I mean, Upstate New York, they're both Hell anyway, right? Anyway, with them gone something's gotta go right for Georgetown so maybe my girlfriend doesn't have to send me to a psychiatrist for once next season.
Paul: Well, we'll see. And, umm, try and get that cutting problem taken care of. And stay away from sharp objects.
Bill: Alright, thanks PAWWWLLLLL.
Paul: Alright, next we've got on Vinny from Staten Island. You're not the Vinny from Jersey Shore are you?
Vinny: Hahaha no, I get that all the time but I wish I was! Anyway PAWWWLLL thanks for your support during Sandy from all of us here on Staten Island and everywhere else here in the area.
Paul: No problem! What's on your mind?
Vinny: Wagner. I'm a student there as well as a local resident so can you paint a little bit of a sunny picture for this upcoming season?
Paul: Umm, maybe 3 wins?
Vinny: I like your way of thinking! Yo, thanks again and I can't wait to listen all season long!
Paul: Thanks! Always good to hear from people like that. How about we go to David in Cortland, New York. David, what you've got?
David: Hey PAWWWLLLLLLL I actually have two things bugging me today to talk about. First off... this Big City Classic nonsense. I have two young boys who really wanted to go to both Cornell's game against Princeton and Syracuse's against Notre Dame because we live in between the two and we like going to those games. I don't think these organizers understand we've got kids who have games of their own and now I gotta drive my boys down to New York for the day to watch these games and hope they wake up the next morning for their youth league game.
Paul: Well I'm sorry to hear that but money talks and..
David: YEAH I'VE HAD ENOUGH ABOUT THE MONEY I HAD TO GO DOWN TO WATCH SYRACUSE PLAY USC AND NOW THEY'RE PULLING THIS CRAP AGAIN! I CAN'T STAND ALL THIS NEUTRAL SITING CRAP AND I HATE THAT LACROSSE IS GOING IN THIS DIRECTION AND DON'T GIVE ME THAT GROWING THE GAME NONSENSE! OK, point two to bring up. Syracuse lacrosse this upcoming season.
Paul: Let me guess.. you're looking for them to fir...
David: THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR US TO BE RANKED PRESEASON NUMBER 14. I MEAN REALLY? THAT'S A DISGRACE. ALRIGHT, YOU GUYS WERE ALL TALKING ABOUT CORNELL AND PRINCETON BEING THE POWERS TO FALL WITH THE WHOLE RECRUITING ISSUE THROUGH THE YEARS AND HERE THE ORANGE ARE BEHIND THE BOTH OF THEM! THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL WE SHOULD BE RANKED BEHIND COLGATE. IF I'M DOCTOR GROSS AND I SEE WE'RE THE 3RD BEST TEAM IN CENTRAL NEW YORK -- NOT THE NATION, I'M TALKING A FOUR COUNTY AREA -- THEN SOMETHING'S GOTTA CHANGE.
Paul: You know it's only a preseason poll. Loyola went from unranked to national cha..
David: YEAH YEAH YEAH BUT LOYOLA KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE DOING! WE'RE JUST SITTING IN THE PAST AND LOSING TO ALL OUR RIVALS AND SEEING HOPKINS AND UVA AND PRINCETON AND FREAKIN' NOTRE DAME GROW WHILE WE SIT HERE AND LOOK BACK ON THE PAST AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT WE'LL BE IN 5TH IN THE ACC IF WE KEEP THIS UP. SO YEAH I'M GIVING DESKO ONE MORE CHANCE OR ELSE I'M PERSONALLY STORMING UP I-81 TO THE SU ATHLETIC OFFICES AND GETTING THEM TO SWITCH GARY GAIT FROM THE WOMEN'S TEAM TO THE MEN'S TEAM. I MEAN, THE WOMEN ARE PRESEASON #1, WHY THE HELL ARE OUR MEN #14?!?! IMMA HANG UP AND LISSEN PAWWWWLLL.
Paul: For those of you keeping track at home, that puts our "complain about Syracuse being ranked low in the preseason polls tally up to 26 and continues a now six-day streak of callers looking for a coaching change. I guess some things never change up there in Upstate New York. How about this, we've got someone out on the West Coast. Benny in Oregon, how are you today out by the Pacific?
Benny: Doing good, PAWWWLLLLL. Alright, I know Loyola won the national title, I know you're out in Maryland, but can you spread some love for Denver as a title contender?
Paul: Benny, I've been a fan of what Tierney's done out there in Denver for a long time. I'm gonna continue to do so, too. But to say they're better than Loyola, with all that talent coming back . . . that's a bit of a stretch at this poi . . .
Benny: OH LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR EAST COAST BIAS! I BET YOU WERE TAPDANCING WHEN OREGON LOST IN FOOTBALL SO YOU COULD HAVE YOUR NOTRE DAME-SEC MATCHUP IN THE NATIONAL TITLE GAME...
Paul: Hey now, I am from Alabama..
Benny: EXACTLY, YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE CRIMSON TIDE CHEERLEADERS IN FOOTBALL AND THEN COMES LACROSSE SEASON AND YOUR SHOW'S FORMAT CHANGES AND THEN YOU'RE A JOHNS HOPKINS AND ACC CHEERLEADER! YOU KNOW, HOW ABOUT GET YOUR STATE OF MIND OUT OF THAT HELLHOLE KNOWN AS BALTIMORE AND COME ON OVER TO DENVER, OR HELL HERE IN OREGON TOO WHERE WE'VE GOT A GREAT CLUB PROGRAM, AND COME SEE THE LIGHT LIKE TIERNEY DID!
Paul: Well I would love a nice change of mind, but I got a comfortable gig here that I don't need to move around. Looks like our favorite Harvard fan's on the line, Tom in Quincy, you're up.
Tom: PAWWWWWLLLLLL HAAHVAAAHD'S GONNA FINALLY SHOW AWP THIS SEESUN AND WIN THE EYE-VEE LEAGUE. ALRIGHT I DID THA MATH AND IF CAWNELL LOSES PANNELL TO INJAWREE AGAIN AND PRINCETAWN, YOU KNOW, DOES THEIR USUAL THING AND FINISH SECOND, AND YALE IS WICKED OVAHRATED AGAIN AND DISSAPOINT THEN HAAHVAAHD'S COMIN' OUT ON TAWP!
Paul: I feel like you call in every season and say the same thing. I mean, Harvard can win the Ivy League via the conference tournament but, you know, they gotta make the thing first.
Tom: ALWIGHT WELL I'M STICKIN' TO THIS PREHDICTION THIS SEESUN AND I'LL CAWL BACK TO YOU COME MID-SEESUN PAWWWLLLL. I'M TELLING YA HAAHVAAHD SHOULD JUST FOLLOW TAWM BRADY, TIM TAWMUS, BIG PAWPI, LARRY BEEHRD, BC HAWKEY . . . YOU KNOW, BE INSPIYAED BY BAWSTON'S BEST AND PUT IT ALL TAGETHER. LATAH PAWWWLLL.
Paul: One last call before we go to break and we got Henry in Maryland, what's up?
Henry: Hey PAWWLLL, how come Johns Hopkins hasn't gotten an ACC lacrosse invite yet?
Paul: I don't know, maybe because the fact they're making money being an independent and the Blue Jays are perfectly content with scheduling who they want to?
Henry: Alright, well, I feel like Hopkins would still have scheduling flexibility and stuff in the ACC, but I'm telling you, the rest of the ACC's scared of the Jays, PAWWWLLL. Duke never plays us after what happened in 2007 and 2008 if you haven't noticed. BECAUSE THEY'RE SCARED. Notre Dame's too busy playing Midwestern teams because, you know THEY'RE SCARED AND WOULD RATHER PLAY MICHIGAN THAN LOSE TO HOPKINS. And I guess Virginia and Syracuse want their conference records to not have another loss on them. Hell, notice how Maryland was scared to play Notre Dame and 'Cuse joined in so they left the ACC? Whole freakin' conference is a bunch of whimps.
Paul: Umm... Maryland left the ACC for a lot of reasons and lacrosse isn't one of them...
Henry: That's what they want you to think. ISSA CONSPIR-A-SAY PAAAAAAWWWWWLLLLLLL THE TERPS WOULD RATHER PLAY OHIO STATE AND PENN STATE RATHER THAN HOPKINS OR ANYONE STILL IN THE ACC. LATER, PAWWWWLLLLLL.
Paul: Alright. Well, coming after the break we'll shift gears to college football as we bring in some of my friends from back south. Yes, my Crimson Tide friends, the format's back to football for the time being. That's all up ahead here on the Paul Finebaum Radio Network.
MEANWHILE ON MIKE FRANCESA'S SHOW
Mike: Da Jets ahh absawletley lawst as lawng as Rex Ryan is da coach. Der's no otha way arawnd dat. Next we got Jeff in Jerrsee. Jeff?
Jeff: HEY MIKE LISTEN I KNOW YOU LOVE TO GO ON A ROLL WHEN IT COMES TO THE JETS AND EVERYTHING BUT DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT LACROSSE THING THEY'RE HAVING AT CITI FIELD?
Mike: Yes, but I'm here tawking about da Jets I didn't want no otha callas but those who want to tawk about the mismanagement of da Jets...
Jeff: WELL THAT GAME MIGHT HAVE MORE SCORING AT THAT STADIUM THAN THE METS COULD EVER PRAY FOR HURRRRRRR
Mike: Heh heh dat's nice but wat's yaw thoughts on da Jets? We dawn't have all day
Jeff: Umm.. 2013's OUR YEAR BABY J-E-T-S JETS JE
/Francesa drops call
Mike: What a mongo. . . . Prawbably friends wit Rex heh heh. We gawt Ray Lewwcas on aftah da break . . . oh dis is gawnna be a good one.