The Last of the Human Portraits: Lehigh's Corbett and Bogorowski

Mar 18, 2012; Greensboro, NC, USA; Lehigh Mountain Hawks mascot performs during the second half. The Bluejays defeated the Mountain Hawks 70-58 in the third round of the 2012 NCAA men's basketball tournament at Greensboro Coliseum. Mandatory Credit: Bob Donnan-US PRESSWIRE

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV

Here's a little background on what's going on here:

  • Lehigh put together a little questionnaire for its lacrosse team to fill out. The school then appended the responses to each player's biographical profile on the team's website.
  • 18-22 year-olds tend to yield response results that make you wonder what the hell you were thinking when you were that age. (Answer: Not a hell of a lot. When I was 18-22, it was a minor miracle that I didn't try to get into sock puppetry as a profession.)
  • I'm sure that all these gentlemen will grow into fine young scholars and citizens. I know this because I didn't and the law of averages is a thing.

Lehigh updated a bunch of profiles since the last installment of this nonsense. Selected responses -- with vitally important addendums from me -- follow immediately below.

PATRICK CORBETT, ATTACK

If I Had $1 Billion, I Would: Be rich.

No shit?

Here's the thing: That wouldn't even be the first thing that came to my mind if someone asked me that question. I would inherently understand that I'd be rich, but I wouldn't take the time to respond in an email in such a Ben Stein-ian way. Instead, I'd probably lay out a detailed four-point plan to deal with my new billionaire status:

  • I'd sock $250 million away in trust and savings so that future generations of Suxa's can grow up to meet their familial purpose without distraction: Writing nonsense on the Internet and seeing just how far their Jeep can drive through high tide on the beach before becoming sunken treasure.
  • I'd take another $250 million and do all kinds of important charity work: Provide funding to ensure that children that were born with a baseball mitt at the end of their left arms instead of hands are given the appropriate medical treatment they so desperately need -- a full arm amputation and replacement with a jointed lacrosse stick attached at the shoulder socket; fund research designed to eradicate the planet's worst plague -- the German language ("Ich bin ein zorniger Deutsch!"); I'd give all kinds of money to the World Wildlife Fund to make special 18-foot straws for giraffes so that they don't have to bend all the way over to take a drink of water; etc.
  • I'd take another $450 million and invest it in things. (But only things that have a really good return on investment, because I'm no huckleberry and I'm sure as hell not going to invest in your "Personalized Space Exploration and Craft Beer Company".)
  • I'd take the last $50 million and spend it on really important things: A swimming pool filled with delicious frozen yogurt, ground zero for my soon-to-be-famous "Eat your way out or die via frozen yogurt" competitions (the world's most dangerous game); a covered wagon filled with silly items like muskets and period costumes so that I can round up some friends, play Oregon Trail in real life, and wonder which sucker is going to die of dysentery; I don't want just a hedge maze on my compound, I want a hedge maze that is an exact replica of all the maps in The Legend of Zelda.

DEREK BOGOROWSKI, MIDFIELD

If I Didn't Play Lacrosse, I Would Play: SlamBall

SlamBall isn't the same after it got all corporate and stuff. It used to be about the love of SlamBall, man.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

Join College Crosse

You must be a member of College Crosse to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at College Crosse. You should read them.

Join College Crosse

You must be a member of College Crosse to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at College Crosse. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker