Childs, Please: Mercer Lacrosse Looking For New Head Coach

Just when you thought that pink slip season was over . . . BAM! . . . Mercer blindsides you with a resignation and leaves you racing to update your resume and pick out a brand new whistle in case the Bears' hiring committee wants you to show them your wind sprint whistling technique.

It came out of the blue on Friday afternoon and Mercer didn't exactly eulogize its former (and only) varsity lacrosse head coach in grand fashion -- Jason Childs has resigned his post as Alpha Bear and the press release numbers only 241 decidedly awkward words:

Mercer head lacrosse coach Jason Childs has resigned from his position as announced by Director of Athletics Jim Cole on Friday.

"I want to thank Coach Childs for his many contributions to Mercer and the Middle Georgia community," Cole said. "He has done an admirable job overseeing the initiation of our lacrosse program and helped position the team for future success on and off the field."

* * * * *

"As I move to a different chapter of my life, I will miss the guys dearly," Childs said. "They have been tremendous people to mentor. I want to thank President Underwood and Bobby Pope for the opportunity to be the first coach in Mercer lacrosse history. It is an honor I will never forget. Mercer has introduced me to so many wonderful people, and I consider meeting them to be a tremendous blessing. I wish Jim Cole and the program all the best in the future."

"We remain committed to building a preeminent lacrosse program at Mercer," Cole said.

Mercer will begin the requisite national coaching search, which, considering the entire lacrosse world is immersed in summer recruiting right now and the season's coaching carousel has already spun, may or may not yield a hamster on a wheel as a viable candidate to power Mercer's program.

Regardless, I'm going to throw my name in the bucket for consideration because, at worst, I can go recruit Georgia's Hazzard County as an excuse to ruin a Dodge Charger by jumping it through the Southern sky:

Mr. Jim Cole
Director of Athletics
1400 Coleman Avenue
Macon, Georgia 31207

RE: Head Coach Vacancy -- Men's Lacrosse

Dear Future Employer That I Will Eventually Sue For Wrongful Termination:

My name is Hoya Suxa. Please check the appropriate box:

YES, I WANT TO HIRE YOU: [ ]

NO, I DON'T LIKE YOU: [ ]

MAYBE: [ ]

I hope that you check the first box. I am very interested in going steady with you. I think we'd be a really good couple.

If you would like further elucidation of why we should get together:

  • I'm adorable.
  • I'll only cuddle with you. I'm a one-program kind of coach.
  • Also, I'm adorable.

I anxiously await your response.

Lovingly,

Hoya Suxa

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