I Found the Nexus of the Universe

February 25, 2012; University Park, PA, USA; Penn State Nittany Lions mascot performs during the game against the Northwestern Wildcats at Bryce Jordan Center. Northwestern defeated Penn State 67-66. Mandatory Credit: Rob Christy-US PRESSWIRE

As I was writing Penn State's 2012 decompression, I stumbled across what I believe to be the nexus of the universe. No foolin'! It turns out that the nexus of the universe isn't an actual place or theoretical position or anything like that. No, physics was wrong all this time (which isn't surprising because physics is a noted liar). As it turns out, the nexus of the universe is actually a person.

That person? Tom LaCrosse.

That's right: Tom LaCrosse is a lacrosse player. LaCrosse plays lacrosse for Penn State lacrosse, which is the most lacrosse ever committed to one sentence on the Internet (or anywhere else in the universe). This seems a little odd -- a person with a surname that matches his interest pursuit (while uncleverly attempting to mask this fact with an unnecessary mid-name letter capitalization) -- but after some investigative research, it actually isn't all that odd in LaCrosse's life. Here's what I found:

  • LaCrosse's father -- Steve -- wasn't always a LaCrosse. In fact, before 1992, Ted LaCrosse was actually Steve MyfuturewifeisgoingtobepregnantwithaPSUlacrosseplayer. When Tom was born, Steve changed his name because, yeah, tempting potentially freaky coincidences is no way to sleep at night. Plus, the IRS was always hassling him because his last name never fit on any of the forms and stuff. So, Steve just changed the family's name to LaCrosse and figured that would end all this talk about his genes having a special gift. Whoops.
  • Then there's the thing about the LaCrosse's and their summer vacations. The LaCrosse family used to spend summers at Eagle River with The Eatenbybears. Those trips lasted for a pretty long time until, out of the blue in July 1999, The Eatenbybears were eaten by bears. Nobody saw that coming. They probably should've gone down to the town hall and had their names changed before they became intimately associated with the digestive system of wild animals. Despite this, the LaCrosse's soldiered on through life, assuming that all of this was normal and not totally due to the fact that they have magic powers.
  • The weirdest thing, though, was when Tom LaCrosse gave up lacrosse for the summer leading into his senior year in high school. He decided that he wanted to hang out in the pool and drink Hi-C out of a glass with a little umbrella in it while lazing on an inflatable raft. A week or two into his relaxation, his image in family photos started to fade -- like Marty McFly's family members in the noted documentary, Back to the Future -- and he started dropping his glass of Hi-C because his hand was actually starting to disintegrate into nothingness.The LaCrosse's brought Tom to the doctor and other scientist-types and the symptoms were diagnosed as "What the Hell?!?" He was prescribed two hours of wall ball a day and after two weeks he was right as rain. His hand situation cleared -- as in it existed again -- and decided to pick up the game for a few August tournaments.

Never stop being you, Tom LaCrosse. For if you aren't, the fate of humanity is likely doomed.

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