Even More Human Portraits: Lehigh's Cahill and Molnar

Mar 18, 2012; Greensboro, NC, USA; Lehigh Mountain Hawks mascot performs during the second half. The Bluejays defeated the Mountain Hawks 70-58 in the third round of the 2012 NCAA men's basketball tournament at Greensboro Coliseum. Mandatory Credit: Bob Donnan-US PRESSWIRE

Part I
Part II

Here's a little background on what's going on here:

  • Lehigh put together a little questionnaire for its lacrosse team to fill out. The school then appended the responses to each player's biographical profile on the team's website.
  • 18-22 year-olds tend to yield response results that make you scratch your head and wonder whether whether it's a violation of Roe v. Wade to try and abort an 18-22 year-old.
  • Despite the fact that I have two degrees and clients rely on me to ensure that their millions of dollars aren't burned like corporate-sponsored alligator wrestling, these Mountain Hawks are probably better suited to survive in contemporary society than me.

Lehigh updated a bunch of profiles since the last installment of this nonsense. Selected responses -- with vitally important addendums from me -- follow immediately below.

JIMMY CAHILL, MIDFIELD

Major & Why:Mechanical Engineering. I chose MECH because I like a bit of a challenge and I have always enjoyed problem solvingl

It takes a special kind of sociopath to believe that mechanical engineering -- the undergraduate major of science savant Bill Nye -- is a "bit" of a challenge. Mechanical engineering is hard; you have to buy books and know how to work a fancy calculator and probably pay attention to the materials more than, say, never. If Cahill was truly looking for a "bit" of a challenge and wanted some exposure to problem solving, I suggest the following majors:

  • Child and Family Studies: Challenge -- Child wants things all the time and is a terrible brat; Resolution -- Package him in a 4x6 FedEx box and send him to uninhabited Russia in a barter for an adorable Siberian Husky from a local trader. Problem solved in 30 seconds. Off to Applebee's for a taste of the local flavor.
  • Classics: Challenge -- Deciphering Gellius' Adrocles and attempting to apply its principles to the modern day macroeconomic climate of global financing; Resolution-- Drawing a gold coin with one of those red "Do Not" symbols around it because nobody cares what Gellius wrote or that Adrocles isn't a particular kind of eyeglass. Problem solved in 15 seconds with Microsoft Paint. Time to try and eat a bucket full of Jolly Ranchers.
  • Public Health: Challenge -- Studying the impact of urban growth on public water supplies; Resolution -- Get drunk in Houston, piss in a storm sewer, and when arrested tell the officer that you're "conducting important research." Problem solved in 2-4 hours and a night in county lock-up for public urination.

NOAH MOLNAR, MIDFIELD

Dream Job: Son in Law

You and me both, man. Finding a sugar momma is a better career decision than, like, busting your ass for 30 years only to drop dead at your cubicle farm desk of despair, your work friends completely ignorant of the fact that you are now a former human being because they wanted to dodge you instead of being forced into an awkward conversation about happy hour plans that may or may not be happening.

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