St. Joseph's Head Coach Taylor Wray Hates America

Taylor Wray, head coach of the St. Joseph's Hawks, is heading up Canada's U-19 efforts at the FIL World Lacrosse Championship in Turku, Finland. Wray, a Canadian head-flapper born in Alberta, has been taking advantage of the unmatched awesomeness of the United States of America for over a decade -- first as a lacrosse player at Duke, then as an assistant coach at Lehigh University, and finally as the head coach of Philadelphia's most Hawk-mascoted institution of higher learning.

And until last Saturday, when the Canucks snapped the USA's 37-game unbeaten streak in U-19 play, we never knew that he was a sleeper agent sited in a Pennsylvania cell to push the agenda of Big Canadian Lacrosse. This threat against American security and lacrosse supremacy cannot stand, especially when its being directed by a nefarious member of the American collegiate lacrosse system. Action must be taken and it must be definitive, swift, and strong enough to provide the appropriate deterrent effect to protect the interests of American lacrosse.

For his sins against the country to which he is permitted to collect a paycheck to supplement his dastardly deeds, I propose the following list of punishments to ensure that such un-American activities are no longer undertaken:

  • He will be forced to drink 16 gallons of concentrated high fructose corn syrup in order to disavow his Canadian proclivities and become a true American.
  • He will be forced to write a scathing article in Food From Delicious Pigs Weekly denouncing Canadian bacon as a proper bacon product. He will write the article with a piece of freedom-loving American bacon using the grease drippings as his ink.
  • He will receive electroshock therapy to erase the word "tuque" from his personal lexicon until he starts calling the headwear its proper American name: "Stupid hat thing."
  • He will be forced to purchase from one of America's fine motoring manufacturers an American muscle car to replace his soon-to-be-burned current mode of transport: A dogsled saddled with Moosehead Light.
  • He will be prohibited from putting maple syrup in his personal water bottle. That stuff has mind control properties.

Should Wray continue with his affront toward the country that saved him from the cold and put food on his table, more punishments will be dictated as necessary.

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