Yup, You're Drunk

ANNAPOLIS, MD - June 9: Mascots from area colleges play a lacrosse game before the game between the Chesapeake Bayhawks and the Charlotte Hounds at Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium on June 9, 2012 in Annapolis, Maryland. The Bayhawks defeated the Hounds 15-7. (Photo by Larry French/Getty Images)

That is a picture of mascots -- and a mascot-type thing (more on that later) -- playing lacrosse. I imagine that this is what watching lacrosse is like if you've taken serious head trauma and are now living in a reality where everything around you is an acid test given by the government to try and find a new truth serum or flat tax or something. Basically it's terrifying and hilarious and probably shouldn't involve the use of heavy machinery.

There's all kinds of important things going on in the image:

  • Georgetown is disappointingly in the back of the pack, as usual.
  • The guy in the white shirt in the blurry background -- He seems far too upset with what's happening in front of him, throwing his arms up in total disgust. "Pick up the damn ball! What's the matter with you idiots?! I'm never wagering on mascot lacrosse again! God!"
  • The caption to the image reads: "Mascots from area colleges play a lacrosse game before the game. . . ." Which reminds me: I almost enrolled at Pizza Planet University. The course work in "Making Soggy Garbage" is sublime if not sophisticated. Alas, I had to choose a different institution of higher learning as I just couldn't bring myself to claim as a potential alma mater a school that has as a mascot a terrible genetic experiment that spliced a human with an Everything pie. It's just creepy to see a pizza with human arms and legs, strengthening the fear of playing God and the perils of accelerating evolution.
  • You're not even paying attention, Doc. The ball is careening away and Towson's mascot is just staring off in the distance, slack-jawed and just happy to be out of confinement. Shawn Nadelen is going to make him run wind sprints until Doc gets it through his stupid tiger head that hustle plays are what separates good mascots from great ones.

Otherwise it's, you know, a pretty standard snapshot of American lacrosse.

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