A Recitation of Vitally Important College Lacrosse Beliefs

FOXBORO, MA - MAY 28: Eric Lusby #12 of the Loyola Greyhounds celebrates a goal with teammate Phil Dobson #22, right, as Brian Cooper #40 of the Maryland Terripans walks away during the first half of the 2012 NCAA Division I Men's Lacrosse Championship game at Gillette Stadium on May 28, 2012 in Foxboro, Massachusetts. (Photo by Winslow Townson/Getty Images)

Welcome to the Church of Hoya Suxa. You may know me from such accusations as, "It's a cult!" and "Whatever. . . ." Here's a recitation of some of my beliefs:

  • I believe in the fast break (either the "L" or the "V" or any other letter you want to ascribe to a fast break strategy that will involve running and point-to-point passing that looks like a laser tag attack plan), careening through the midfield like an ol' red nose fleeing Walgreens with a swiped bottle of mouthwash in the pursuit of the cheapest and harshest drunk one can find.
  • I believe in gambling defensemen with six-feet of property used to steal other people's property. The poke, the lift, the wrapcheck, the kayak, the rusty gate, the give-me-that-or-this-is-going-right-in-your-teeth. Basically, what's yours is mine and what mine is a big shit-eating grin because I just stole your innocence.
  • I believe in Homewood Field and its tradition of housing 168 national championships (estimated) and one intergalactic title that Erone Galaxy X5J8 also claims a right to.
  • I also believe in assaulting Homewood Field, claiming land rights about 100 yards from the site and proving that the Orange Mist never recedes.
  • I believe in the two-way midfielder, even though he's on life support and the doctor is, like, "Someone alert science! We're going to need to collect all that remain, put them in a biodome, and hope for a repopulation of earth in suitable conditions."
  • I believe in Memorial Day Weekend lacrosse, three glorious days of tailgating, sneering at children that throw balls at my motoring device, documenting the effects of the sun on a human body that should never be exposed to Ra, and documenting -- in four letter spurts -- the inability of man to properly plan and account for volume on express thoroughfares. Bastards.
  • I believe in Jesse Hubbard and Ric Beardsley and the Gait Brothers and Stan Cockerton and Dave Pietramala and John Grant, Jr. and everyone else that caused shattered craniums due to mind-exploding play. It's a player's game, people; let's get back to that.
  • I believe in riding lawn mowers. That one doesn't have anything to do with college lacrosse but, yeah, pushing stuff sucks.
  • I believe in not caring about chrome face masks and HOW TOTALLY AWESOME THEY LOOK DUDE COULD YOU IMAGINE OH MAN WAIT WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NEVER HEARD OF THEM DO THEY WEAR ANY OF THESE CHROME FACE MASKS
  • I believe in pushing forward the lacrosse equipment industry, but all the stuff that these businesses are currently pumping out is crap compared to my genius innovations.
  • I believe in Wagner lacrosse because Division I lacrosse just isn't the ACC or national champions or even, like, teams that win games more than once every Presidential election cycle. Go Wagner Whatevertheyares!
  • I believe in the 10-man ride. I also believe in firing a gun directly at your foot and assuming that you can get through life without one of those digits that was once attached to your midfoot.
  • I believe in sliding adjacent and its best friend, former-offensive-player-that-is-now-a-pile-of-crushed-bones-without-cleats.
  • I probably believe in other stuff, but it's lunch time and I really believe in turkey sandwiches with spicy mustard and a bag of Munchos.
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