Championship Weekend is a different kind of animal. Not only is it a pseudo-vacation from wherever you pay property taxes, it's also an opportunity to delve into the soul of man and discover the wonders of the unknown; existence intermixing with the theoretical, forming a reality that shifts your physical capacity on a linear slope of consciousness. Or it's just a pseudo-vacation. Probably that.
Let's keep rolling through some of these incredibly important tips because, you know, I need the pageviews.
HOYA SUXA CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND TIP IV: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
With the Final Four in Massachusetts, you may automatically be thinking that Boston is your destination hub. That isn't a bad choice; you can take the choo-choo train from various spots within and near the city all the way out to cosmopolitan Foxborough, avoiding all that dreaded traffic on Massachusetts' cow paths that masquerade as motoring thoroughfares. Plus, Boston provides all kinds of exciting things to do (like discovering where Whitey Bulger buried all those bodies). The thing is, while I love Boston and its unique way of accepting visitors ("Die ya bum!" "Weyah goin', buddy! Move it!" "Cool ya jets!"), Providence is a fun little spot that provides a decent alternative to New England's heart of darkness.
With all the government bribes that Buddy Cianci selflessly received, Providence has gone through a bit of a revitalization in recent years. There are tons of restaurants around town that will serve you some of the best clams that you've ever had and pour a chowder in clear broth that stomps on the neck of that milk and cream-based chowder that they'll shove down your neck up north. Federal Hill is a fun little place to get lost in, and you can find lots to do around Capitol Center. Roger Williams Park is right nearby and a quick trip in the car takes you out to Newport, which is just about the greatest place on the planet (if your ancestors came over on the Mayflower.)
Think about it, people. (Especially because Providence to Foxborough is actually a bit of a shorter drive than Boston to Foxborough.)
HOYA SUXA CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND TIP V: EXPERIENCE THE CULTURAL STYLINGS OF FOXBOROUGH
I grew up in an area of Connecticut that is still pretty rural. Before I was a teenager I was sophisticated in the finer aspects of sharpening harvester blades and could recite chapter and verse on proper tractor pull technique. My parents didn't get cable television until my upperclass years in high school and they didn't have an Internet connection until the summer before I got on my tractor and went off to college.
So, yeah, I'm a huckleberry. When I tell people this they are somewhat astonished that areas of New England -- what is supposed to be this nation's cultural cornerstone -- are still upset that "Hee-Haw" was tragically canceled decades ago. Well, folks, it's true; fear not the terror of people that drive the turnip truck instead of fall off of it and become one of us.
You're going to have a hell of an opportunity to do so this weekend as I'm proud to tell you that mere walking distance from Gillette Stadium is Huckleberry Valhalla -- Bass Pro Shops. This weekend, Bass Pro Shops is pulling out all the stops to make sure that you are ridiculously entertained:
- On Friday, from 5:00-9:00 P.M., a professional tournament fisherman will demonstration how, I assume, to catch big giant fish. You're not going to want to miss this as the people watching should be amazing. "Lookie dere, Diane. Y'see how he pulled dah twine through da hook like dat? Dats a pro right dere. I gotta tell Tommy about dat." These are my people. Anthropologists beware.
- On Saturday there will be more fishing demonstrations -- "The object, I think, is to catch the fish." -- and FREE CRAFTS! I can only hope that some old bitty from who knows where can knit you a fancy lacrosse stick head cover with a wolf's head dramatically crocheted on the face.
- On Sunday there will be more FREE CRAFTS! Have you ever seen a needlepointed tissue box that doubles as a gun rack? Well, you're in luck, friend.
- On Monday, you're skunked on Bass Pro Shops excitement, but Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill is having bull riding. Giddy up!